Leaving It In The Past

legaljen1969

I wanted to wish my friends here at WhatNext one last good wish for 2020. I plan to stay up to make sure 2020 departs and 2021 arrives safely. This day, though hopeful for a better 2021, has been a hard one to get through for me.
On New Year's Eve last year, I was meeting with my radiation and medical oncologists to discuss the game plan moving forward. I never dreamed I would be spending New Years Eve under such circumstances.
At midnight I said goodbye to 2019 thinking nothing could be worse, but 2020 gave a hearty "Oh yeah, you ain't seen nothing yet."
Alas, it did NOT break me, but did leave me a little the worse for wear- missing a breast and picking up some bone and joint pain, and hair like straw. Yet it did not defeat me.
My prayers are with all of you that lost someone special this year, or got bad news, fought COVID and/or cancer. I anxiously await the possibility of better days in 2021. Thank you all for being here for me. I wouldn't have made it without your love.

Lindy

Thank you so much, glad you are on this side of treatment! Stay safe as we await our turn for that vaccine, love to you.

PaulineJ

I'll make this short.I lost my brother that wasn't sick on Dec 28th from whatever they put in him from a covid test on Dec 20th, like I heard from others also.

PaulineJ

Being a marine and a veteran and fought for ythis crappy country doesn't count of having a decent burial.All I hear for 4 days is I'm sorry instead of paying.I just don't have the money to wait to be re-inversed.LONG STORY!

Lorie

Jen,
Let us have hope that 2021 will bring better things.

PaulineJ

It's going to get worst.Wake up and get saved 1cor.15:1-4 >Romans3:25.Jesus is rthe answer.The rapure is comind soon.Don't let yourself go into the tribulation.

junie1

i did not stay up to watch the new year come in..As always,, each day ends & a new one begins,, weather I'm awake at midnight or not. So i didn't watch the New Year come in. I'm not sure what everyone is wishing for,, looking for,, hoping for,, but I know that Im going to continue on the same path I've been on. One day at a time. i have great hopes that my radiation will get rid of my tumors,,, I pray that everyone going thur any type of illness gets better, Prayers to all. God Bless

MarcieB

legaljen, I always love it when I see that you have posted something. Your fun stories and upbeat attitude has added to my day on more than one occasion. I too, am hoping for a better year. Right now I would just be happy to go into a restaurant with a friend and have lunch...the isolation is getting to me. I am so hoping the vaccine will start noticeably slowing the virus and we can all lighten up. I have had several friends who did contract the virus, but luckily they experienced mild or no symptoms at all. I am praying for a better year, but I'm not discounting this past one - I learned a LOT and I know you did too. So there's that. :-)

I do think losing Greg has taken it's toll on us here. I hope we can keep things going between all of us because this forum is helpful to so many people. The medical questions and various, first-hand, responses are so valuable. Reading about how many of us have dealt with the challenges (both physically and mentally) has eased my mind many times. Seeing the photos and artwork and light hearted re-posts on the pinboard has lifted my spirit as well. Everyone here touches me.

centered1

I watched the fireworks from my front porch. They were beautiful...and loud. In a pause from the fireworks, I looked up. There, in all of it's quiet splendor, was the moon. A gentle reminder that, in all it's joy and splendor, sadness and grief, brokenness and pain, some things are just quietly always there..hope, love, and God. May this year be blessed like no other. Thank you all for shared journeys and care.

Jayne

PaulineJ - I am very sorry to hear about your brother, it must be very difficult to deal with such a loss during the pandemic when we are all so limited.

MarcieB

Pauline, I am also very sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my only brother 4 years ago and I don't think I will ever come to terms with it, I miss him every day even though we lived far apart. He was the only connection I had with my family and it's history - we would talk every day. I hope you can get some satisfaction about how to handle taking care of things. It's hard enough to deal with grief without the added stress of arrangements.

PaulineJ

MarcieB Thank You so very much for understanding .I had 5 brothers and 1 sister.No connececion with any of them except this one brother and a little with one of my younger brother.One past away by betting killed by getting hit from someone who had a learners permit and one past from a heartattack.My oldest brother and one siester don't care whatsoever for my one special brother or me.We had lots of love as genuine Christians and don't know why they hated us.He and another brother fought for this crappy country.They were marines and veterans.He was aMP and the other one was an air pilot.They went to Vietnam and The one that stayed connected to me got messed up after coming home and got life for being with a criminal like alot of other guys.From 23 t0 69 he was in prison.We just stayed in touch by emails and sometimes a phone call from him.It's such a long story so I'll say etc....Thank you for understanding again.
He's going to be buried in a convict cemetary ,because I have no way of paying for his burial.And being on the phone for 4 days the militar or veteransdon't care to help.I'm exhausted.

PaulineJ

Jayne Sorry I forgot to add you .Please forgive me

MarcieB

Oh, gosh, Pauline, it must be very frustrating not to be able to give your brother the burial you would choose. I hope, in time, you can comfort yourself knowing it matters not where his earthly body resides. You know where he really is now and you can be sure you will be reunited with him one day.

PaulineJ

TRUE! I have to keep reminding myself.
I only cried all morning of dec 28th after not crying since 1991.I'm back to being numb again.But hurting....

Teachertina

PaulineJ, so sorry for your loss! You have been through so much and yet you keep on giving back to us here. I’m glad you are staying connected to us and have some way to share your worries, problems, disappointments and anger about how things are for you. I know we can’t really do much for you except to listen and encourage you to hold tight to your faith. We care about you and we are wishing for better days ahead for you in the new year. Hugs.

PaulineJ

Thank YouTeachertina .
It helps when someone cares.I don't have that in my life much

legaljen1969

@Pauline, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can imagine this is very stressful and heartbreaking for you. Remember that your brother's service IS appreciated by many and he answered a call to serve his country that far too few are courageous enough to answer. Thank you for the sacrifice of giving him to our country. His service IS appreciated and does not go unnoticed or unappreciated. Your family's sacrifice is appreciated as well.
I am so sorry to hear you are not making much headway in getting help to get him the burial you would want to give him. It may sound crazy but there is a program for EVERYTHING. Reach out to the VA, local VFW post, AmVets. Any sort of Vietnam Veterans groups- as they came back to probably the least appreciative environment. Can the prison chaplain help you at all? I am just trying to think of any avenue you may not have explored. If you have a military base around you, reach out to the base chaplain. If you have a reserve unit nearby, call them and ask if they have a chaplain or any other resource. call the National Cemetery Scheduling Office at 800-535-1117 to request a burial. I am going to post a form in the pictures that hopefully you can access. I want to help you. As the spouse of a retired Marine, it is very important to me to get you to a resource if at all possible.

We have come a long way in recognizing the sacrifices of our veterans since Vietnam. That time was so different. Those who fought in WW1, WW2 and Korea viewed as war heroes. Most of Desert Storm/Shield and the current conflict also viewed as heroes and revered. I am sad that VietNam veterans and their families still seem to feel the rejection of a nation that, as a whole, appreciates their sacrifices. It is sad that our country's senior leaders now are of that generation where they may have protested or been a part of the problem in denigrating the worth and value of those lives torn apart. It makes me angry that anyone does not appreciate that sacrifice- whether it be for a career military member or someone who served one enlistment or even someone who finished boot camp and training and shipped out for one deployment never to return. The sacrifice is the same.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you Pauline. I am so sorry this has happened.

Last thing I want to say is that no matter where your brother's body is laid to rest, as a believer and child of God if he has been saved- his afterlife is with his Lord. Those without earthly resources are no less worthy or welcomed into His kingdom. I know that you know this, but I say it only to remind you that no matter who he was on Earth- if he has given his heart to God he's okay now.

legaljen1969

@Pauline, I am sorry if I came on too strong here. I am just a believer that no-one should be left out in the wind if there is a resource that can help in any way. Sometimes we just aren't asking the right question, the right person or we are just not connecting the magic words to get the job done. Sometimes these veterans organizations know the magic words to make it happen.

PaulineJ

You didn't come on strong you're just being yourselfYes my brother is diffinitely with the Lord.I just need to remind myself.His body is just a shell.His soul (which is the person) has gone home.I just miss him so much.

Carool

Pauline, I am so sorry your brother died. Where his body is buried does not reflect who he was. He was an honorable man, from what you said, and his memory will live on in you and others who knew him.

MarcieB, I’m so sorry for your loss.

ChildOfGod4570

PaulineJ, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. So much has happened over this past year, and we have extra dealing with cancer on top of that. And making arrangements for your brother's burial is the last thing you need right now. I rejoice with you that he is with Jesus, but I weep with you that he isn't with you now. As for saying good-bye to 2020, I am very glad to see it go. In December of 2019, I had thought 2020 was going to be even better; then ... WHAMMO! Here comes COVID-19 to put a monkey wrench in just about everything I had been looking forward to throughout the year. When graduating seniors were sorely disappointed over not having the graduation cerimonies they had worked so hard for, I was sad to not have the chance to celebrate my 50th birthday and Easter as I had hoped. Thank God I adopted my kitty 6 weeks before the lock-down started!!! I did welcome the new year by watching old TV shows that felt like going into a cozy old house because I wanted something wholesome and happy to do as the ball dropped. As for this year, I make no predictions, just pray that it will be far better for all of us. HUGS and God bless.

legaljen1969

@ChildofGod4570- Another person whose 50th birthday was marred by the dumpster fire year of 2020. I actually turned 50 on Christmas of 2019 but this was going to be the year I was 50. I thought "I will be celebrating a half century and 2020 vision- a year of great vision and hope."
Ha, what a joke.
We will just have to try to make the best of our 51st year. It doesn't sound so fun and glamorous, but dang-we were robbed!! LOL

PaulineJ

Jen you are about my daughter's age .She turned 52 in Sept.
4 children were born in Sept including me.lol!My only daughter is my birthday girl.She's on the 28th ansd I'm on the 29th.My oldes son is Jan 19th,Second son is Sept.9th and my youngest son is Sept.14th.

legaljen1969

Pauline. I see your family has clustered birthdays like mine. LOL Lot of similar numbered days and such.
My brother,his sister and my brother have March birthdays March 12 (H) 13 (SIL) and 21(B).
My brother and SIL have anniversary May 18. My grandmother's shared the same birthday on May 19.
My SIL (brother's wife) is a July 14 birthday. My husband and I share our anniversary with my parents on July 15.
Then we go all the way to December and do the birthdays again. My father is Christmas Eve, Mine is Christmas day, his father was December 26 (I never got to meet my grandfather as he had a heart attack when my father was still in high school). And my paternal grandparents had a NYE anniversary=December 31.
So you can see why the December celebrations are especially important in my family. Birthdays, Christmas. It is extra hard for me to miss these, but I've pushed through this year. It hasn't been pleasant and I found myself in a MUCH darker place than just missing family this year. I know that compared to many, I have a very easy life and shouldn't complain but I am just ready to feel some joy and see my people.

Bug

PaulineJ and MarcieB, I am very sorry for your losses.

beachbum5817

PaulineJ, I am so sorry for your loss. It has to be especially hard to lose a sibling. They are the people that you have known longer than anyone else. I will remember you in my prayers. I hope in time, your memories will help to bring you peace.

Ashera

PaulineJ - So very sorry to hear of your brother's death - and the extra anguish the world is throwing your way in making it the kind of death you wanted it to be. As others wrote - it's just his body - his sweet soul is free of all this earthly trauma and pain and he's lighter and happier and free - Where his 'remains' are matters not.

My beautiful son - died of brain cancer right after I'd started radiation, 5 yrs ago February. He lived in ND, I was/am in MN. We were incredibly close. His father living in TX, along with his wife - arranged for his ashes to be interred at a church in Houston and a memorial service I could not attend. My son spoke to me often about his wish to have his ashes scattered in Grand Marais on the upper coast of Lake Superior. We laughed, both going through cancer treatment - that the first one to go would take the ashes of our dear Westie, and gold tabby along with our own. I was the keeper of the fur people...and I still have them.

So it took a few years of therapy and reorganizing my emotions and brain to be able to not bend in grief of being suddenly excluded from this last symbolic event, by a parent long out of his day to day life... Your story took me back to those feelings of helplessness with something or someone calling the shots on what you screamed out was your right. And it takes energy - lots of unavailable energy to fight it. Legaljen gave examples of who you might contact - but...I more than understand why you must have felt you just couldn't try again, and get nowhere. It will all be better for you someday - you know that in your heart. Your faith gives you answers that comfort you. Know that your feelings toward your brother were known and he took those with him. Sending warm energy your way for healing...

Lindy

Ashera I am so sorry, I lost my beautiful husband to brain cancer 22 years ago. Damned mean cancer. I have my husband's ashes to be scattered with mine when the time comes, I sent a love poem I wrote for him to the crematorium with him, maybe if you include something like that about your son with you that would help. Much love to you.