Since you were diagnosed, do you find yourself looking at other people envious?

JustGrateful

I will see people, anywhere, doing anything, and sometimes my mind snaps to thinking that I will never be able to do that. Or, why do they get to have a long and happy life and I won't. I'm not terminal that I know of, haven't been told that I am, but still, that's where my mind goes.

LiveWithCancer

No, I don't do that. We have no idea what their lives are truly like - what we see isn't necessarily their reality. People could look at me and have no idea that I lost my only child or that I have been dealing with lung cancer for 7.5 years or many other things that have occurred during my lifetime that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

We're all terminal, @JustGrateful. Everyone in the universe has one assurance: we will die. Some of us will die of cancer, some from heart disease, some in an accident ... the ways we die are myriad, but we will all die. And none of us knows when we will draw our last breath. I lost my son quickly and unexpectedly and a few months later, my best friend died, also quickly and unexpectedly. I was the one with stage IV lung cancer ... and here I still am ... outliving the 4-month prognosis I was given by years.

My faith gives me assurance that when I die on this earth, I land in Heaven. From the time I was diagnosed, when my own demise was brought to the forefront of my mind, I have said ... and I mean it ... I am in a win-win situation. I love to be alive on this earth (as crazy a place as it is), but when I die, I land in Heaven. And, that's a destination that will be so, so much better than anything I have ever experienced here. So ... I can't lose. I continue to enjoy earth or I live in the splendor of Heaven. (I know some people here do not share my faith. I am not pushing my faith on anyone - this is my personal faith and belief.)

legaljen1969

@JustGrateful, I know it is not easy to stop your mind from spinning out to "terminal." For your own peace of mind, please try to keep that word out of your thoughts and mind unless and/or until it is a reality. Remember the saying "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at the time." Just keep taking small bites.
On the same day I got my official diagnosis, I found out that my "breast cancer hero" had been called home to Heaven. This woman was my best friend's sister-in-law. She took every treatment she could, signed up for every clinical trial she could, and lived her life out until the very last breath she had. She found a way to go just about everywhere on her bucket list. She never let an "I love you" or "I care about you" go unsaid. No-one ever had to wonder where they stood with her. I wanted to talk to her about her journey, and I found out she was gone. But even as I found out, I smiled because I knew she had fought with everything she had. I delayed telling my best friend for almost a month because I knew how much her family felt the loss. My friend was so upset with me for not letting her be there for me. Her brother (the one who had lost his wife) was the first one up off the couch to give me a hug and tell me to fight. I know I have been down on my "friends" lately, and I have said that I have been shocked by who did stand by me. Well my best friend and her family have been my rock. Anyhow, I digress to the envy thing.
@LiveWithCancer is right- you often don't know the backstory of someone who is the recipient of your envy. You may never know the battle they are facing. They may be the person in between treatments waiting for the results of their next MRI or PET scan. She may be the woman who knows she is terminal but keeps living life. Or she may be the one who lost both breasts and believed she was terminal, but found out she has been NED for 10 years. She may be the very angel you need in your life.
Envy is a hard thing to overcome sometimes. You don't yet know what you will "NEVER" be able to do. Instead, try to turn it around to "When I finish treatment, I am going to take that same trip" or "I am going to run that half marathon."
Now for a totally crazy story. Several years ago, my husband and I had both lost our jobs around the same time, but had both just become re-employed. We were in "picking up the pieces" mode. One of my "make myself" feel better things was to get a haircut. I walked into the salon and saw this beautiful woman with platinum blonde hair in a pixie cut. She was just the picture of style and grace. I wanted so badly to have that life. I told my stylist that I wanted to be like this girl, but I knew I could never pull it off. Well, 30 minutes later I had a pixie cute and two months later was platinum blonde. The appointment after mine was this same woman, who told me that she was so honored that I thought she was so amazing. My hairstylist had told her how awesome I thought she was. She told me that she was 25 years old and had a double mastectomy after finding out she had Stage 3 breast cancer. I was mindblown. I thought she was just one of those naturally thin and perfectly beautiful women with perfect nails and clothes and everything. I was so envious of her life, not knowing she had been through the fight of her life to get to where she was.
Listen, you are allowed to fall apart from time to time. People will still love you. You are also allowed to be happy. You are allowed to love and to live and to fight. You don't have to let cancer roll over you like a steamroller.
If you ever need to blow off some steam, let me know. I will listen.
This group is great. Full of lots of fighters, overcomers, beat the odds people, and even some who are still fighting their hardest when they know the prognosis is grim.

legaljen1969

@Just Grateful- sorry I have too much to say. LOL Again, I say DON'T GIVE UP. FIGHT!!! I have two fabulous fighters in my family.
My paternal grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 80. She had a mastectomy, underwent radiation and lived until she was 95. She passed away peacefully in her sleep.
My mother was adopted so my maternal grandparents have no medical history to pass to me, but they are nonetheless pretty impressive.
My maternal grandmother had a carotid artery surgery at 88, knee replacement at 89, a heart attack at 90, got diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma at 95. She survived all of that and kicked butt. She lived to be 101 and passed away peacefully in her chair watching the evening news. If my 95 year old grandmother could double down and find the will to beat cancer, anyone can.
My maternal grandfather was born in 1895. He was 55 when he was diagnosed with cancer, so back in the 1950s when medical technology was nearly what it is today. He had a laryngectomy. He passed away at 82. He did everything he could to fight as hard as he could.

Don't let worry and envy get you. Please tell yourself every day "I am not cancer and cancer is not me." This is a hard chapter in your life, but it's not your entire story. Try hard not to let "cancer" become your entire identity.

MarcieB

I do not. But, I DO find myself looking at old pictures and being envious of my former, pre-diagnosis self!

legaljen1969

@MarcieB, I know just what you mean. It can be odd to look back and remember who you were before the diagnosis.

Bengal

I look at other people living cancer free, treatment free, side effects free and I think, "you have no idea how lucky you are". They say ignorance is bliss.

po18guy

Nope. Not even once. I do not know the cross that they bear - it could be worse than cancer. As well, I do not know what is in their future.

JustGrateful

I guess it's all in your viewpoint and how you look at it. I agree that you never know what another person is dealing with, but I'm talking about just knowing what I'm dealing with and some people that I know, I do know what their life is like, and some people I don't know I just imagine what their life might be like based on the outside impressions. However I look at it, I still think that I'm getting screwed in the "life sweepstakes". But then again, it could always be worse, just not sure what that would look like though.

junie1

im like some on here.. I don't look at myself and wonder why, or get upset because i have been DX,, ( for the 3rd time)) I look at myself as ,, what can i do today? I'm busy with my sewing, crafting,, that my cancer doesn't even come to mind. I do enjoy each and every day. It's not that i don't think that my cancer is not serious, it is,, metastatic breast cancer,, recurring a couple of times,, is serious.. Chemo, radiation, double mastectomy,, lumps appearing in the neck area,, adjuvant treatments for the past 3 years.. It is serious . But i don't dwell on it. and when i look at old pictures of myself,, i laugh at how i was,, the clothes i wore, what my friends and i did then,, it brings back wonderful memories. Taking a day at a time,, no hurry, just do what i can, when i can.
Good Luck to all,, God Bless.

MarcieB

JustGrateful, I can understand your feeling of *getting screwed in the life sweepstakes.* You are a young woman and this is certainly not what you expected. I imagine there must be days when you feel very angry about the randomness of who gets what disease and when - I think we all do. But, in all truth, you don't know how your story will end? You could well be one of those MANY women, (some of them right here), who goes on to live a rich, full life, with the memory of your treatment as a blip in your history. To be honest, that is my goal. My follow-up medication has some side effects I am not happy about, but I am working on accepting them (I refuse to say *new normal,* I can't stand that phrase!). If your medical facility has a support group you might want to reach out to them. This site is truly wonderful and has helped me get answers to a lot of questions, but I am lucky to have some friends who are survivors and there is just nothing quite a satisfying as talking to them one-on-one.

HerbGardener

JustGrateful, I have done that and still do it from time to time. I feel responsible for my cancer as I smoked when I was young, but did quit and should have been in the safe zone. It's behavior and genes. Anyway, I've lost enough lung tissue that I can't do the strenuous things I used to do. Can't swim, can't bike, etc. I do look at people who got the good genes and are physically active at even older than I am and feel cheated. But that was mostly a phase I went through and it's subsided to very occasional and I snap back pretty quick from that thread of thought. I find a cancer diagnosis like many things in life requires an adjustment that takes as long as it takes. Unfortunately Cancer can cause many such adjustment periods. I also look at people who've had a much harder time with their cancers than I have so there's gratitude too. Bottom line is "it is what it is" and I need to make the best of it.

ChildOfGod4570

Oh, I surely do know how frustrating it is to be going down a cancer journey and seeing your peers living as if care free with no side effects, ultra-healthy bodies, the whole 9 yards. While doing chemo, I had often thought other patients who didn't need the nasty stuff were so blessed and wondered if I could have done something to have avoided it. I had my meltdowns as we all have had, and I know when I had very little of my real hair, it seemed all the commercials on TV were for hair products! Funny how they stopped when my hair grew back. I just did what I had to do to get better and not have to think about treatments anymore. Sure, I get a little nervous in the fall when it's time for mammograms, ultrasounds, etc. However, it's not as bad as it was a few years ago. Oh yeah, on the phrase "new normal", I'm not too fond of that one either; and now they're using it to describe how it will be when lock-downs are lifted. To me it's a constant reminder that things will never again be the same, and I just want to deal with my life one day at a time and have hope and the light at the end of the tunnel. Like Live With Cancer, I am a Christian who believes in Heaven, but I also must accept it's not my time to go there yet. I know I have that to look forward to for sure. I must keep reminding myself of this, especially when I grow increasingly weary of negative headlines, very little human contact, and my imagination anticipating a world where we can't be sociable in the way we've been used to since childhood. Hang in there and feel free to vent any time you want; this is a safe place. HUGS and God bless.

jad

There are so many good positive posts here. I suggest that every day you remember at least one of them. The positive thoughts will them supersede your negative one and eventually your negative thought will be resigned to the bottom of the heap. It may surface on occasion, but you will have the means to push it back to the bottom. It’s not wrong to have the negative thought - just let all the positive ones dominate. I believe you can re-train your brain.

suemartin

Yes, I was like that initially. The whole "why me" thing.
But, after a few years I started feeling "normal" again and those feelings pretty much stopped.
I had a mastectomy, so of course every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded of this, but it's amazing how your perception changes through the years. I'm more active now than I was before (and I'm 61!). Lost weight, keeping active, eating right (most of the time!) and feel great!

Grandy

Yes, at times. I think those thoughts go through a lot of heads. But as time goes by, it gets better.

gpgirl70

This was me for sure for a time. I was even jealous of cancer patients who were lower in staging and didn’t need chemo. I was frustrated by my own decisions because I became envious of women with breasts. Time does provide perspective and healing. I’m now so happy with my body. I’m also now thankful for my experience because I appreciate every day. I cherish my friends and family in a new deeper way. I truly thought I might be angry, bitter and envious forever but now that has gone away completely. I’m five years from diagnosis.

JaneA

I have always loved to wear pretty clothes. I am a Chicos woman (always on sale - LOL). I have a permanent colostomy due to Stage IV rectal cancer. Would my husband still love me? How would I feel about myself? But the surgery was deemed "potentially curative," and I wanted to live.

I quickly learned how to dress again because I started mop-up chemo six weeks after the surgery. I had to learn to dress and how to handle my ostomy in a group setting.

I've learned a couple of tricks, and no one ever has a clue that I have a colostomy. It is all in our attitude towards ourselves. We quickly learn during and after cancer treatment that many other people have learned to adapt with "crappy" situations and make the most of life.