Gone Too Young

legaljen1969

I just found out one of my friends from grade school lost his son to brain cancer in early December. My heart breaks for my friends that they lost their son, but after reading his obituary, it is clear that he squeezed every minute out of his life and that he had the same love of life as his parents. We all knew each other pretty much throughout our school years. I knew his father from the time we were probably in kindergarten as we went to summer vacation bible school every year.
I always wonder why God takes these young people in the prime of their lives. It makes me sad.

LiveWithCancer

I am sorry for your friend who lost his son. I wonder why, too. Maybe to spare them from something worse...

MarcieB

Jen, judging from your reported birthday, I would surmise your friend lost her son around the same age as I was when I lost mine. Billy died from complications of his muscular dystrophy. People might think he did not have much of a life because he never walked, but they would be wrong. He was mainstreamed into public education and his friends made sure he never missed anything. He sang with the advanced HS choir and traveled with them to perform in Canada, California, Disney World, etc. He did two years of college, then switched to a trade school to learn computer programming which resulted in a very good job for him. And drive? - yes indeed. he had a very specially equipped van, (which the state helped us obtain), and he could go anywhere.This was important because when we lost his father, my son was the one who supported us both until I could manage. So he was a lot to lose. Most of all I miss his sense of humor - which was exactly the same as mine. We would watch TV together and burst out laughing at the most obscure things because we saw the outrageous humor there. He was confident, witty, and could do the best imitation of the Swedish chef on the Muppets ever!

People are not supposed to outlive their children, everyone knows that. To wonder and ask "why" is normal and expected. I started asking "why" when my son was first born and they told me something was *not right.* I asked why when I realized we would not be looking at a future that included Little League, Cub Scout camping trips, or easy beach vacations. I still don't know why. But, I know what I learned from my son. And I know my life with him and his father was full, and good, and fun. This is not a perfect world, and unfortunately, we are seeing more and more proof of that every day. Things happen that are ghastly and unfair. Your friend will be devastated for a long time, and the truth is - never the same. But, she will learn to live with it as part of her story, or she will die. I know that sounds harsh, but believe me, I have seen it.

Three years ago, my cousin, who I am VERY close with, lost her son to brain cancer. He was a bright, generous, young man who competed in the bowling tournament circuit and brought our whole family a lot of joy in watching his progress. She is still struggling with the loss, and I know she will for at least 4 more years. But, I can also see her determination to find the best parts of what life is bringing her right now. Some days, we both allow it to overwhelm us and we hold each other up. But, we have to dust that grief off, because we can't live there forever - no one can. I hope your friend has loving support. I hope she allows herself to grieve honestly, and I hope the people around her allow her to do so. And then I hope she comes out of that cave and doesn't linger on the *why* of it, there is no answer for that. I hope she can trust God in this and eventually see that HE can use the hurt for good. It's true. It may not be a comfort, but it's true nonetheless.

fiddler

I'm so sorry to hear the news. It sucks.

In my thinking/feeling, the why comes in two packages.

One is the anthropomorphic Big Daddy in the sky, sitting on a throne, long white beard and hair, throwing lightening bolts to kill us with one hand and sending unconditional love with the other (obviously can't have both), and he comes down once in a while to impregnate a human female.

The other is quantum physics, which boils down to vibration and frequency; we attract what we put out energetically, but sometimes genes get corrupted a/c previous problems up the family tree and they're passed on until the energy is changed/healed (I'm serious - this is the so-called miracle healings; all to do with frequency and vibration). Here's an excellent YouTube explanation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9cTJef4gzE. Think of the bleeding woman in the Bible. She waited for Jesus to pass her by and she reached out and touched his garment. She was instantly healed and 'the energy drained from him'. He was probably 80 Hz and she was probably 22 Hz. Frequencies, when they 'contact each other' automatically find a middle ground, thus her Hz came up and his went down. Physics, baby! the Bible is FULL of mystery teachings like that.

We attract what we put out, but so does out mother when we're in her uterus, and at conception. For instance, we know if the mother is depressed, the child most likely will be, too. And so it goes generation after generation until we wake up to the reality of the universe and take responsibility for our thoughts and emotions.

fiddler

Well, I really put my head on the block this time. Those are MY views and I'm not asking anyone to buy into it - just offering another explanation. Also, I do not mean to shame anyone or disrespect anyone's beliefs. We're all in this together and whatever anyone chooses, as long as it isn't harmful, is ok.

Ever wonder why no one has seen "God"? Think of an analog radio dial, AM/FM. Our bodies can receive the frequencies on the radio. Below the lowest Hz, Above the highest Hz, no dice. Can't hear it. God/Creator/Source is waaaaaaaaaaaay up there on the Hz scale. Think of the soprano and the champagne glass - she finds the frequency of the glass, holds the musical note, and WHAMMY! the glass explodes. Soldiers crossing a bridge in step will take down the bridge. Etc.

All of us here have had cancer. Why? Where were our emotions and thoughts? Did we wake up every morning thinking "Wow! What adventures will I experience today?" Or did we wake up thinking "Shit. It's Monday and I have to face that bitch/wanker," and we want to throw up.

I'm working on myself like crazy! But ultimately, the choice is ours. The future is ours to create - it's really, really true.

>sigh<

LiveWithCancer

@MarcieB, I so relate to your story about the loss of your son. I agree that it is not something you ever get over. My son had some mental issues that caused him (and us) much grief on occasion, but the flip side was that he was the most loving, generous, kind person you would ever want to meet ... and I miss him horribly every single solitary day. it is a hole that will never be filled.

Fortunately, I have a strong faith in the God of the universe and if that makes me an idiot, I am pleased to be an idiot!!! That belief gives me such peace ... I don't know WHY my son was taken suddenly and unexpectedly, but I know God has a plan and He knows why. And, because I believe in that God, Creator of the Universe, and I believe in everlasting life, I also strongly believe that the separation from my son, who I also believe was God's and only on loan to me for the 43 years he lived, is temporary. I believe that we will be reunited for eternity someday. And, I believe that he is so much happier than he ever was while on earth ... and that gives me great comfort - and means that I never really wish him back here on this earth ... even when I miss him most ... and those big huge bear hugs of his ... I feel like I would diminish how much I love him by wishing he was back here, dealing with this crooked and perverse world we live in.

Anyway, that's how I deal with it ... and, I spend a lot of time in the Word and a lot of time immersed deep in whatever my latest hobby is...

Carool

MarcieB, I’m so sorry about your son. LiveWithCancer, I knew about your son, and I know, though not from experience (I never had kids), that losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, and the heartache never goes away. It’s awful when any loved one dies, but when one’s child dies....

legalgen1969, I’m sorry about your friend’s son. I send you condolences.

Fiddler, I’m not a believer. My thinking is that our bodies sometimes “go wrong,” and we develop a cancer or worse illness. I trust to scientists to continue to find out why and how and to continue to find ways of treating diseases (or not yet) or preventing them. I don’t expect that science will be able to answer every question, but I like their questions and questioning. BTW, I laughed at your “Or do we wake up thinking “XXX. It’s Monday and I have to face that XXX/wanker”! You must’ve been in my head on Mondays when I worked and, yes, had to face that XXXXXXg wanker.

legaljen1969

To Fiddler and everyone else here, I have not been ignoring anyone nor do I oppose anyone's answers. I have just been away from the site for a few days. Other than the necessity of my computer at work, I have been on a complete "media fast" for a few days. I just had to take a break from all of the hopelessness being peddled on TV and the internet.

Marcie, my friend has a far deeper faith than I. She is amazing at letting her son's life be part of her story. His death too. It just hurts my heart and soul when parents outlive their children. I know it's not "supposed to" be that way. I know that life doesn't always work out the way it is "supposed to" work- or none of us would have the necessity for this site.

I thank you all for condolences and positive thoughts.

MarcieB

legaljen, I am glad to see your post, I have been wondering where you were? And if you are alright? I understand your need for a media fast - I really should do the very same thing. It is all too much right now, isn't it?

fiddler

@legaljen1969,
Hey babe, it's not compulsory to answer.
Energy runs low - cancer (active, survivor, etc) and the time of year (low light)

GOOD SELF CARE !!!!!

fiddler

@carool,
yer too funny!!!

I worked in Child Welfare Services for a long time - liked the parents (usually moms only) even though they were most often drug addicts/prostitutes/etc (one woman came to court for a hearing while her pimp waited in the Cadillac outside - wide white wall tires and all!); the SYSTEM was f'd beyond belief. The job gave me cancer, swear to it.

fiddler

@MarcieB
There's no option other than "like" - I DON'T like that your son died, but I finally hit the button anyway to show my empathy for you. Losing a child is the worst tragedy in my book. We all go on, but the grief corrupts our bodies; perhaps it's some sort of death wish to be with the child again.... who knows.... life is complicated, so very, very complicated.

Carool

@fiddler - Thank you! XXXX and its derivatives are my most shopworn words (and being used excessively these days).

MarcieB

fiddler, I know what you mean about hitting *like* - there really should be other options, or a choice of appropriate emojis...like on facebook?. but, I am taking it to mean. "I like that you posted." I really think that is what it means. Besides, you never have to worry - I could never be offended by anyone who uses a blue fitted booby as an avatar. ;-) Lol!

Carool

@MarcieB - Hahahaha! I had no idea (of course)! How astute of you, and what a great pun (by fiddler)! Love it!

MarcieB

Haha, Carool! You know, of course, that is supposed to be *blue FOOTED booby.* I should have edited before posting, darn it all! I was so excited to have this funny punch-line, I hit *send* before I proofed it (I hate when that happens) ;-)

If we are dreaming about ways of improving this site, I would love to have an edit option. (not to mention spellcheck)

fiddler

@MarcieB and @Carool,
Blue Footed Booby - the name is as funny as the bird looks! Gotta have a laugh here and there.
Love you guys (and EVERYONE on the site).....

Carool

@fiddler - Yes! But I like the “boobie” as signifying breasts, too. And that bird is funny! Love you, too!

Terri

i am so sorry for your loss. God does help you if you pray and ask him. I am a believer.

Carool

@MarcieB - I, too, wish we had an edit option. I googled this bird and saw it was “Footed.” My iPhone has Autocorrect.

legaljen1969

@MarcieB, I am around. Just trying to get myself grounded again. Have gone too far astray trying to be everything to everyone. Haven't been "true to myself" lately and I get too anxious when I worry so much.
My supervisor is our building manager and he was in the mountains this weekend. We have new people who just bought the third floor of the building and they have been moving in. They were having trouble with the elevator and some other issues. We have the keys as building manager so sometimes the vendors have to get keys from our office. I thought their issues were all taken care of before this weekend. At 4:30 on Thursday they notified me that they would need access to the equipment room and to have someone call in for the elevator codes on Friday. I told them I worked from home on Fridays but I would be happy to let them use the keys and they could just return them all through our mail slot next week. Well they got upset and called my supervisor so he asked if I would go in. All of the vendors were finished by 1:00 except changing the elevator code. I kept after the elevator people all day and didn't even leave until 5:00. So I went up at 5 to tell them that the elevator folks wouldn't make it and then they tell me "Oh, we figured it out around 1:00."
Then I get a call at 5:30 from another floor owner that the 3rd Floor people had the post office come and rekey a mailbox but they somehow re-keyed the box for the 4th floor and took their box. I called them and told them they needed to make it right immediately and I had already given them a list of the boxes in use and which ones were available.
I had planned to leave town yesterday around 2:00 to go see my dad since I had a long weekend and had to call and tell him I wasn't going to be able to leave town until this morning. He said he would just rather wait until next month when I had a long weekend again around President's day. I was so annoyed. I guess it is all for the best because it was pouring rain all day yesterday.
I am just trying to get my anxiety to go away, and TV and media don't help.
I feel okay here. We all have our things to worry about, but this group has a lot more perspective on the "big stuff" and letting "the small stuff go."

fiddler

@legaljen1969
your weekend wore me out!
when I read stories like this, I wonder, 'would they expect a man to do all that - on call 24/365'?
my bad