Oh No | Relationship issues

legaljen1969

So it's my one year mammogram tomorrow morning I have scanxiety to the point I haven't had any good sleep in awhile. My boss's brother just found out he may have non small cell lung cancer (I don't know all the fancy terms). My boss seems to be getting more and more out of touch every day and I am so worried about him, as he should probably retire.
Weekly phone call to my mother was HORRIBLE. She asked me how my appointment went with the breast prosthetic people and I was telling her, and mentioned I had asked what would happen if I had a recurrence and had to undergo surgery to remove the other breast. I mean, I just wondered. So I asked. My mother flew off the handle and asked me why I even cared or wanted to know, that I was just "inviting trouble" and I was always so negative. I told her I just asked because I was curious. I told her the lady was very nice and friendly and I finally had a chance to talk to someone. My mother said "Quit bothering people. No-one want to hear about your cancer. Just move on." I WISH it were that easy. I wish I didn't KNOW what I know now. I wish I didn't have to wonder about these things. I wish an abnormal mammogram wasn't something I even THOUGHT was a possibility for me. But it's not. Now I KNOW it can be a bad result. I KNOW what CAN happen. I am not expecting it to happen, but I know it can.
They are supposed to be coming down here to the beach near me for Thanksgiving, but my mother got mad at me tonight and said she wasn't going to let me be the downer and ruin Thanksgiving. She said they were still coming, but I was now not invited. I have been looking forward to seeing my family for months now and it's been the only good thing I had to focus on for awhile and now she took that away from me. I am going to give her a couple of days to calm down, but I strongly suspect she will cancel the reservations and go visit my brother. It's just what she does and how she is.
Why oh why can't I just push her toxicity out of my life?

Lindy

Holy tomatoes! Wow. Darn, wish you were near then we could have a thanksgiving that included the welcome right to speak of those very real possibilities for us. I found the first year after completing treatment was rocky as all that was so immediate, I didn't trust that I was really going to be a long term survivor. I am so sorry your mom can't be a loving support partner mine couldn't either. She said don't talk about it, she is a breast cancer survivor too! Some may be generational, remember Rickie & Lucy did not share a bed on their show, her continuing to perform while pregnant was barrier breaking. Anyway maybe a local support group would be a good thing right now. You are doing your best, I hope the holidays include your loved ones.

Dltmoll

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is just no explaining some people, even, and sometimes especially, parents. Is this a new type of reaction from her? Your question about her toxicity infers that it isn't. There may be so many reasons she is reacting this way, none of them taking into consideration your feelings. I hope she changes her mind, or that someone else in the family will be able to reason with her if you can't make any headway. If not, I hope you can find some other way to make this day meaningful. Tough in these covid times, but I see you've been diagnosed with it, so maybe by then there will something you can work out, like volunteering somewhere that day, that will be gratifying in itself.. This holiday is going to be a bummer for so many reasons, in many cases having to distance instead of surrounding ourselves with family and friends. Being deliberately excluded is heartbreaking. Sending you guys and strength.

beachbum5817

This just breaks my heart. I am sad that your mother treats you the way she does, and I am sad that she is so negative all the time. I sure hope that your mother will re-issue your invitation to Thanksgiving dinner, or that someone else will intervene on your behalf. We all handle our cancer differently. Just because she doesn't do it the same way that you do, there is no reason for her to be so critical of you. I hope that between now and Thanksgiving things will improve. Take care.

MarcieB

Jen, I am waiting for you to post us your mammogram results as soon as you can, because we are all eager to know you are cleared. I think once the anxiety is behind you you can take a deep breath and maybe re-visit this thing with your mom. I am so sorry she cannot be the support you need, and even sorrier that she would think it is okay to actually hurt you by excluding you from family events. Do you have a sibling or another family member you can talk to about this? Someone who understands? I remember times when my mother would upset me and I would call my aunt, (her sister) and she would allow me to rant, and sympathize with me, and eventually we would both get to laughing about how *clueless* my mom could be about some things, and finally acknowledging that we all loved each other, regardless. You need some allies. You need some good news to ease your mind. And you need something good to look forward to. I'm am praying you get all these things.

Bug

legaljen, I'm really sorry about the situation with your mom. I hope when all is said and done that you are peaceful and as happy as you can be on Thanksgiving - regardless of where you are and who you are with. Big hug to you.

legaljen1969

She has unofficially re-issued the invitation by having things sent to me- some mess she got from Hobby Lobby with leaves for us to write on thing for which we are "thankful." A few food items that she doesn't want to have to bring with her so she is having them shipped to me.
Of course if I just drop them off at the condo on arrival day, I will be the one who looks petty for holding her to her "unviting." That's her M.O. Act like a .... and then when she gets held responsible, she pawns it off on the other person for being unforgiving.
I will just play along like the dutiful daughter so I can see my father, brother, SIL and nieces.
I did talk to my father about her reaction last week, and he started to take her side until I told him to just hear me out about how I just felt so nervous having my first check since the diagnosis, and even though I wasn't expecting anything bad, I just needed to have it confirmed that it was okay for now. The lightbulb went on for him. He had major heart surgery in 2017 and he said the first appointment after surgery was so nerve wracking and his first "year later" appointment was also pretty nerve-wracking even though he wasn't expecting anything bad. He said he knew how I felt because when he went in for the appointment when he found out he had to have bypass surgery, he had no idea he even had a problem until they scheduled him for surgery.
He said he would talk to her about all of it, he understood where I was coming from, but it was still wrong for me to be unkind to her. Okay. We will go with that.

It's crazy how it all just feels like "This is how things are with my family" and then when I type it out, I see how crazy it really is.

Anyhow, for now Thanksgiving is back on. We still have three weeks to go. We shall see what happens.

beachbum5817

I am glad things will be ok, if only for Thanksgiving. As you said, the best part is that you get to be with your father, brother, sister in law and nieces. Try to be around them as much as possible to help shield you from your mother. Take care.

JaneA

I am so sorry - our mothers, of all people, should understand and empathize with us. Sadly, not all of us have mothers like that. Maybe it's for the best not to "meet up" with relatives who may or may not have COVID. I personally don't think that it's time to have family get-togethers yet.

I remember my first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a widow. A neighbor invited me to their house for both holidays - they had four grown children and several grandchildren. I declined her invitation because I just didn't think that I could endure a family being joyful while my heart still hurt. I baked a couple of chicken breasts and made dressing and tried to readjust my mindset for the upcoming year.

Do what you need to do for yourself. Be safe and be as happy as possible that you have thus far survived breast cancer. There is no reason to feel bad about wondering about the consequences of a recurrence. It's real for all of us and we have to learn how to live with that knowledge.

Lindy

JaneA I am with you, my husband died 22 years ago of a form of brain cancer, I was so fragile right after his death that I secluded myself. I still envy those with a living mate. My husband's family dumped me after his mother died. Being alone during a pandemic is a bit bizarre. We all must manage socially as best we can for mutual benefit, extra caution needs to be in place for any Thanksgiving gathering. Be well all and know you are an important member of humanity.

legaljen1969

@JaneA. It's interesting that you mention re-adjusting the mindset after a loss. While having a military spouse that goes away from time to time is NOTHING like losing a spouse to death, I do understand that feeling of being alone for the first time and the feeling that your heart might not be able to handle the joy in a season of loss.
My first Thanksgiving as a military spouse, my husband left a couple of days before Thanksgiving. I decided not to go home to family that time because I was supposed to spend it with some neighbors. I was taking some classes and would have had to be back in town the following Monday anyhow. So on Thanksgiving morning, I got a call from my neighbor that they had been thinking it over and thought maybe I would be too sad and they didn't want me to come over after all. I was a little surprised since I knew they had dealt with deployments and such too. I just went back to sleep for awhile and as soon as the stores opened up, I went to WalMart and bought all my Christmas decorations. I came straight home and started decorating. I was done by about 7:30- after all, nowhere else to be, or so I thought. At 7:30 I got a call from another wife in the battalion that a bunch of the spouses were bored and they were having a dessert party. She asked me to pick up a girl that didn't have transportation. I did. We went and had fun.
The next morning my neighbor (who uninvited me to Thanksgiving) came over to "check on me." When she opened the door to my Winter Wonderland, she said "Oh I didn't think you would have Christmas this year." I must have given her a funny look because she said "Oh, well since he's gone..." I told her no-one had ever told me that little bit of protocol- that Christmas doesn't come when your spouse is deployed. I said "well, that works, I can stay 25 for another year." She didn't know I had a Christmas birthday. Christmas comes for me every year. I didn't stay at base that year and I did go home to see family (Dad's birthday is Christmas Eve.). Anyhow, she asked me when I had time to get my house all decorated. I told her I had lots of time since she uninvited me to Thanksgiving dinner and I was already planning a Christmas party for the other wives in the Battalion, and she could come over and meet some really nice people when I had it.
That was really one of my best Christmases ever.

MarcieB

I am struggling to imagine what kind of person would invite a lonely military wife to Thanksgiving dinner, and then call the morning of and uninvited her? Thank goodness you had other women around to help you through that day. And hopefully, your example of hospitality (to a person who clearly didn't deserve it!), made some impression on your thoughtless neighbor.

legaljen1969

@MarcieB, the girl who invited me to spend Thanksgiving dinner with them was just clueless. The weird part is that they were planning on going to the Thanksgiving dinner at the USO, so it wasn't like she was cooking or would have to be responsible for me. I am sure you have probably figured out by now that I have never met a stranger. LOL I can find someone to talk to about something. We had gone out all together to a comedy club on Thanksgiving Eve and I think his joke about "lonely wives" seeking comfort and company from their neighbors put that idea in her head. She was super attentive and definitely would rush right out if I happened to be getting home from work around the same time as her husband. I discovered she was just really insecure. It's something we worked through as time went on. I think much of it had to do maturity level. I was 25 and my husband 32. She and her husband were both 21. I mean, I know some people mature early, but she was NOT one of those. LOL