What We Say

legaljen1969

Since I am on this kick to be an encourager right now, I was reading an answer I had posted on a thread to JustGrateful way back in May 2020. I guess I was still in kick butt mode, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I meant my post to be encouraging and empowering. Now that I look back on what I wrote, it sounds condemning and rude.
It seems she arrived to the boards and departed in short order. I don't know if she's still around. I haven't seen her in ages.
I want to apologize for anything I have said that made anyone feel I did not welcome them here. Let me say that first of all this is not MY forum or my SPACE. Everyone is just as welcome here as the next person.
I wonder if we looked back over posts we have made throughout our journeys if we would find that we are more encouraging or less encouraging at certain points.

Carool

legaljen, I don’t remember or may not have seen your response to JustGrateful, and I don’t remember her at all (as you imply, she may not have lingered here for long). I think I’ve certainly said things that put people off. Maybe you have, too. But we’re all adults here and should be able to take what people say and not get scared away. If we are able to deal with cancer, we can deal with someone saying something in words or a tone we don’t appreciate. And we can voice our objections.

MarcieB

I, personally, have said, "Oh, bite me." more times than I am proud of...but only when the occasion REALLY warranted it! Lol! But, I do know what you are saying. I know myself, there are days when my skin is thinner than other days. Sometimes we have to be easy on ourselves, I think we all agree that we are just doing the best we can.

I cannot recall ever having heard an unwelcome kind of attitude from your posts legaljen, - not ever.

cak61

My daughter always says, the problem with texts or comments, etc. is that you cannot see the person's expression or hear their tone. So, it's very easy to take something wrong. You might not realize they are kidding, or mean sarcasm. I've had it happen to me.
I would hope I've not said anything to hurt someone either. But we also have to realize everyone has their own opinions and try to not take things personally I guess.
I've seen people correct others on here, and not always in the kindest way. If you think their information is incorrect, just post what you think is correct with maybe a link. As was said the other day, shouldn't be name calling or put downs.
And @MarcieB, your "oh bite me" made me laugh!

Myungclas

Now you have me thinking about my own responses. I usually try to be compassionate, loving and helpful, if I can. There was a post at one point about the Taxol lawsuit, tho…I’ll have to go back and see how I worded my response to the inquiry about that. I can’t imagine participating in something that would make a lifesaving drug more expensive or harder to get. Hope I was kind (insert blushing emoji).

legaljen1969

My point was more that I think we often respond differently when we are "in the heat of battle" so to speak, versus when we have had some time to distance ourselves from an experience. What I might say to her now, with my being over a year out from my surgery, is different than what I told her a year ago when we were both in battle mode- not with each other but with cancer. She seemed to feel very alone and wondering how to keep thinking positive when everything seemed to feel hopeless to her. I had commented to her that she was still taking in so much and everything was still scary. It was basically to say "Don't try to eat the elephant whole. Take one bite at the time."

I feel certain there is not anyone here who didn't spin out into left field and get monkey brain- swinging from thought to thought and taking on things that were in the periphery- when that diagnosis first came. I would be willing to bet that most of us had at least a brief thought of "Will I die from this?" Maybe it was a very real possibility and maybe it was a brief touch point on the panic button.

I also think we tend to find things more offensive when we feel like we are alone, when we feel like "I am the only person going through this." It didn't take me long to figure out I was not "alone" in this group.

My intent was more a reflective pause- to consider whether I was more encouraging or less encouraging at certain points in my journey.

legaljen1969

Myungclas, I don't recall what was going on with the Taxol suit. I know there were some complaints about constant eye watering and other side effects. My thought on that is that everyone pretty much knows that Taxol is a chemotherapy drugs, and pretty much all chemotherapy drugs are harsh, some more than others. Granted, if there is cause to believe it should be removed from use for unforeseen side effects, or if it is causing problems more often than having a benefit- perhaps there is need for reconsideration of its use.

Now, I must get 25 emails a day and maybe 50 mentions on my Facebook newsfeed about whether I want to participate in the class action suit against Zantac. I can't think of anyone who thought using heartburn medication was going to give them cancer. Or using talc. I am surprised all of our mothers and grandmothers didn't have cancer the way people used to powder up after a shower or in the hot summer months to prevent "sticking."

I feel certain some of you are of the vintage that you remember them selling scented powder at the cosmetic counter in some of the higher end fragrance brands. That was a big thing to give my grandmother back in the day. Some perfume and some nice smelling powder. All that talc!! It's unthinkable now.

ChildOfGod4570

Oh, I hope this goes through; I've had trouble answering questions on here lately. I may not recall the post in question, but I do know we all are in different frames of mind during and after our cancer journey. I know when I was in the throes of chemo, I felt so alone it wasn't funny, and people around me waving their pink pomm-pomms telling me to suck it up and be positive ... though meaning well ... made me want to be sick, for they just didn't understand how horrible this felt and how it was to be going through it alone without a support group or other patient to talk to. I surely try to be as gentle with my answers because typing doesn't communicate tone of voice or relay the healing tough of a hug. And let's not forget, the emotional side of cancer treatment goes neglected all too often. I've probably said it more times than anyone on this site can count ... a therapist ***must*** be included on the oncology team! Yes, we need to get rid of the cancer, but it's not enough to just poison, slash, and burn; we need to nurture, encourage, and comfort! HUGS and God bless.

ChildOfGod4570

Woops! I didn't mean tough; I meant touch! Silly bloopers! HUGS and God bless

petieagnor

I read all of the responses. All good points, but it's just remembering to practice it. HARD to do.
It is the day before chemo & seeing the Dr. I took a break from vacuuming to see old mail. I clicked on a 12/3/20 WhatNext from legal jen. The responses are for today. I've been having a lot of trouble with chemo brain & dementia husband. I have to smile as we are at the mercy of the website as I've gotten way too many notices with subject: Dropped on our heads.
I'm figuring out my new devices which seems to be going relatively smooth. I don't like the auto correct when texting. My friends are encouraging, which helps.
My pacemaker transmission was alarming, but daughter told me I wasn't dying & to not worry about the numbers.

Carool

MarcieB, I too love your “Oh, bite me”! I always forget to say that one when I need to!

legaljen1969

@Petie, you really are going through some "stuff." At least you know everyone here "gets it." Feel free to stop by and let off some steam. Sometimes this life gives us way more than we bargained for. We love you.