life

CASSIEME1

do you feel like giving up? there are days and moments that I feel like giving up, whats the use? what is the purpose of my life.? why did God put me here? Why all the pain and suffering? My grand children keeps me going.. my heart aches for them like the mahalia Jackson lyrics"the troubles of this world' And no I don't need psych counseling!!!!

GregP_WN

It's not uncommon at all to have those kinds of feelings. We have a lot to deal with, especially now. This virus thing is enough on it's own to cause anxiety and fear in a normal person, now put that on top of everything that we already have going on in dealing with cancer and we have a real load. You are doing right by thinking of your grandkids to help you through those times. I have said for years that when you start feeling down it's good to put your mind ON what you DO want, and OFF of what you DON'T want. Hopefully we are nearing the downturn of "the curve" and we can start seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

Bengal

Yes, I have had most of the feelings you describe. Cancer is hard! No doubt about it. And there is always that question, why. Why am I being put through this? Why did I have to be that 1 in 8 women? Why am I one of the unlucky % with long lasting side effects? And these questions just don't have good answers. As for "psych counseling", I resisted suggestions that it might be helpful for months, claiming, no, this is not something I need. I can handle this on my own. I finally agreed to talk to a mental health counselor, mostly just to shut up those doing the suggesting. Best decision I made! Having someone other than family, close friends or part of my oncology team to talk to, (sometimes about family members, close friends or my onc team!) has been a godsend.

legaljen1969

Bengal, I also resisted counseling. My main reason was "it's just another doctor's appointment and something else that will cause me to miss work." But I know I need someone to listen to my spinning out and monkey brain when I do feel like it is all just too much. Many of my family members have an awful lot going on and I just don't feel like putting my burdens on them. I feel like it's more than they can handle and I get tired of being told "Oh just pray about it. You are so lucky it was caught early. You just need to thank God." Granted my faith walk has definitely been a mainstay of my sanity lately.
My brother is going through having just sold his company, being the primary custodian of his children because his wife is having some problems with narcolepsy and with prescription medication issues. My father is Type 2 diabetic and has had heart surgery and some vascular surgery on his leg. My mother lost her mother in 2018 and was her primary caregiver for many years. She was coming down to help me through most of my pre-surgical appointments. She was scheduled to come back for my first follow up and then did something to hurt her back. Now the "virus" is here and keeping everyone apart.
My mother's need to "mother" me has about driven me crazy. I must get 20 emails a day about corona virus and how to sanitize things and clean my house and what food to eat and how many times a day to wash my hands and on and on and on. I love that she loves me, but she's part of the reason I need a paid counselor. If I say anything to her, I get bombarded with emails and my mother needs to become the expert on that subject.
SOmetimes it helps to have someone neutral to talk to when you feel like you just can't go on. I suspect if you are like me, you get tired of saying anything to your family. You get tired of platitudes. You have heard it all before.
Don't look at having a therapist as an admission of weakness but rather as an admission of strength that you have the ability to seek care for yourself. Self love and self care is so important. Sometimes I get so knotted up I have no idea how to untangle myself.
Please don't give up. Maybe there is something you are not seeing that someone on the group could help you with untangling. Maybe a therapist would be helpful.
I hate that counseling and mental and emotional needs still carry such a stigma. For goodness sake, worry and anxiety can be one of our worst enemies is healing and recovery. It takes a toll on our body and causes it to resist the healing.

Bengal

Well put, legaljen. I agree it takes real strength to be able to admit you can't do it all on your own and seek help. Having someone neutral, as you put it, is huge. Friend's are too quick with the overused platitudes. Family tried to be supportive but can be smothering, or may eventual run out of patience and you start to get "are we STILL doing this". Doctors tend to only see the clinical side of things and many (not all) don't like to have their decisions questioned. My counselor backlights just let's me talk and I have no problem using up that hour!

Bengal

Spellchecker again!!!!! Somehow turned "basically" into "backlights"??????

Carool

I’ve always had a lot of anxiety and some depression, and getting breast cancer didn’t help. I was in therapy, with the best therapist I’d ever had, when I got my diagnosis. I also joined a b.c. support group given in the breast center of my hospital. I was very uplifted by the support of both my therapist and the group.

What I resisted was going on an antidepressant/anti-anxiety med, until I got so tired of worrying about every pain or imagined lump that I went to a psychiatrist in the breast center and started taking Lexapro, which has few side effects. It’s helped me (I think).

CASSIEME1, I wish you everything good.

Lorie

What a wonderful comforting and wise group. The only thing I can add to the above is if you decide to go to a counselor and it's not helping, try someone else. I had to do that a couple times.
Lorie

legaljen1969

Yes, just like meds are not "one size fits all," neither are therapists or counselors. If you aren't getting any benefit from one, try another. They know that not everyone is a good fit. On the other hand, if you are telling a story trying to placate your therapist- don't be shocked if they call you out on your "stuff." I had one do that to me and I had to take a little time to process what they were telling me. Then I realized I was trying to talk to them like a stranger with small talk, or to a family member or close friend and trying to "protect them" from my feelings.
Let it out. Believe me, a therapist IS or should be a safe place.
However, this group is very therapeutic to me. I have learned a lot about questions to ask and have learned how to put words to some of my feelings so I can discuss them when I get back to my therapist.

Bengal

legaljen 1969, I like what you said about when you are with your therapist let it all out. That's what you're there for. That's what she/he is there for. Otherwise you're wasting both your time. I spent much of my first session crying. I was embarrassed but she made me realize that was what I needed. I had been holding it all in for way too long and it needed to come out. I went back the following week. 'Nuf said.

LiveWithCancer

I think having cancer actually made me a happier person. Suddenly, I had to fight to live - I had to take the appropriate steps to stay on this side of the ground.

I have never asked "why me" ... but I ask "why not me?" ... and I ask, "Why am I still here? What am I to be doing with my life to help other people? Why did You let me outlive my prognosis by years?" I really haven't come up with the why I am still here and not just still here but living a pretty good life, despite a dire prognosis when diagnosed. But, I'll keep searching for that purpose and hope I fulfill it well.

I don't know anyone who doesn't have at least a few things to be grateful or thankful for. I have found that on days when I wake up and I'm a little down or discombobulated, if I start thinking of all that is good in my life, all that I am thankful for, all that I have to live for, my attitude generally improves appreciably.

There was one day early on during this virus pandemic that I was depressed and out-of-sorts. I moped around and felt sorry for myself and our conditions ... and then I decided to write cards to people who were on my Sunday School prayer list. I knew that I couldn't keep feeling sorry for myself and moping around when I was trying to empathize with others who were facing difficulties in their lives. It worked. I haven't been down another time during this ongoing shelter-in-place order. I am sometimes amazed that I find myself humming and singing as I go about chores that I don't truly enjoy much (like cooking ... which I seem to be doing all of the time ... barely get it cooked, eaten and cleaned up before it is time to do it again...).

I am a person of deep faith, a faith that has only become much, much stronger after the sudden death of my son a year+ ago and that faith gives me deep and abiding peace ... and joy. A joy that can't be explained; a joy that exists regardless of circumstances. Have you ever heard the little children's song, "I've got joy, joy, joy deep in my heart, deep in my heart, I've got joy, joy, joy, deep in my heart ...." That is me.

And, I hope that you'll find a similar joy, @CASSIEME1. I know you have much to live for ... and many who count on you being here for them ... like those grandchildren you mentioned!

petieagnor

Gosh! You all said it so well. I've been all over the place with my emotions during this. I think everyone has. I try to live life each day on a positive note even while living with doom & gloom. He gets more negative the older he gets.