Since your diagnosis, do you think it's easier for you to find something appropriate to someone who

Coloman

We have been on both sides of this subject, we have had people say things to us that were both good and bad, and we have probably all had to say something to a person just diagnosed. Sometimes it's just hard to find the right thing.

LiveWithCancer

I don't. People are so "funny" about what they find offensive or comforting. I am as much at a loss for words now as I ever was. And, I'm probably even guilty, even after being a 7-year survivor, of saying things that warrant, "Can you believe someone (me) said THAT to me?

I totally agree with you - sometimes, it is extremely difficult to know what to say (or do).

Teachertina

My comment is always “I hate that you have to go through this. There are so many of us out there. There’s a great website called Whatnext for people who are dealing with this that you could check out and ask questions about your specific diagnosis. It’s a wonderful support for all of us”.

legaljen1969

LWC, I think I find it even more difficult now. Because my diagnosis and treatment has been relatively easy, I sometimes don't relate to the fear of a more serious diagnosis. I always try to share any encouragement I can, but I also recognize that sometimes people just want you to get down in the trenches with them and have a good cry or anger session.
What I have been practicing a lot is listening more than I talk because as, the saying goes, God gave me two ears and one mouth so I can listen twice as much as I talk.
I have had two or three people I know who have been diagnosed and have come to me. I have first told them that I understand how hard it is to hear and process this news. The next thing I tell them is just start getting answers and find people who can help you process things. I have told everyone about this site and how helpful people are because there is always someone who has been through something you are going through.
I tell them I definitely plan to do more listening than talking because it's important to have a safe place to brain dump and process. I am very strong in telling them that not everyone has the same experience with cancer, so don't take any one person's story as the gospel of how it will go down.

GregP_WN

I also agree that there are times that we just don't know. Even when we have been in it for a while. My 32 years still doesn't prepare me for facing someone from time to time who has been diagnosed and I don't know what to say.

JaneA

It's still hard because each cancer diagnosis is different. I believe that since we are going through this or have been through it, the simple "I'm sorry that you are facing this" means more than meets the eye.

BoiseB

I agree. I have seen lists of "what not to say" here on WhatNext. And I have often found 25% of those lists comforting. The one statement I really hate when people find out that I have had any sort of misfortune is "I'm sorry" to me "sorry" indicaties "guilt" The people, I meet didn't cause my cancer therefore I cannot forgive them. I usually say "I am sad to hear that how can I help?" My favorite remark is "You don't look ill" I always reply "Thank you it makes me feel better when I look better"

TOUGHERTHANIT

I usually tell people that it's not as bad as you have probably been told by people who haven't been through it. A lot of people tend to blow things out of proportion. It amazes me how many people have told me long stories about something to do with cancer and then they finally say that, "that's what I heard".

Bug

Teachertina, what you say is basically what I say.

I think having been through it helps but it will always be hard to know just what to say as everyone is different.

legaljen1969

Even though many of us know there are so many treatments out there, I find that when a lot of people first hear "I have cancer," their minds still default to "terminal" and untreatable. They go straight to "That poor girl is going to lose all her hair and throw up all the time." Oh my goodness, people just don't know the spectrum of how different "cancer" can be for us.
I saw a friend (more an acquaintance) a few days ago at the gym. Our gym has really taken lots of precautions with social distancing and the number of people allowed in at any given time. My friend has MS so she has avoided the crowds too. She actually cried when she saw me. She said she heard a rumor back in February that I had cancer and then when she didn't see me at the gym for awhile or didn't see me on social media, she thought I had died. I told her "Oh my goodness no."
People asked me "how long do you have?" I always tell them only God has that answer. I could have years if I take good care of myself and have treatment options, or I could get in a car accident tonight. I just don't know.