How do you feel about the whole being a burden thing?

MyLungCancer

I can't help feeling like I am a burden on family and friends. I apologize for things like needing someone to pick up things for me, or helping me do something around the house that I used to be able to do by myself. I just can't help it. I've never been the type to ask for anything.

Bengal

First thing that comes to mind, you did not ask for this. Cancer comes unbidden. I am like you, never been one to ask for help but we now find ourselves in that position. It's not "being a burden" but rather allowing others ingress into our lives and allowing ourselves the right of acceptance of that.

JaneA

I agree with Bengal. None of us planned on getting cancer. It just comes uninvited. I believe that showing gratitude to those who help us is the best policy because it reinforces the good feelings that our caregivers have when they care for us.

LiveWithCancer

I have a hard time asking for and accepting help, too, because I am and have always been very self-sufficient.

I didn't need a lot of assistance during the worst of my cancer treatments, but there were definitely times when my husband did the grocery shopping and cooking... things he never did before and quit doing as soon as i took it back over.

I thanked him a lot ... and probably also apologized... like you, i do not like being a "burden" ... but truthfully, at least at my house, it was a good thing for my husband to be able to step up and do some caregiving. He thrives on taking care of people and I am not the person who needs or wants it. It made him feel good to finally be able to help me when i needed it after my taking care of him all of these years.

Good luck! Hopefully you will be able to resume your activities soon.

legaljen1969

We are taught so early on that we must be independent. We must do it all on our own. Life and experiences continue to reinforce this for many of us. I think as things progress and the need to "be all" for "all" adds increasing pressure. It used to be that if we were at home getting treatment, or resting, that we could actually rest. Now, we are expected to work from home and carry on our lives as though nothing has changed. We live this life (in general) as if any help we need is a "burden" on someone else. As society continues to become more self-centered, the feeling of being a "burden" increases and expands. For many years and generations, families and communities cared for each other. One of the most beautiful examples I have ever seen of community coming together was when my husband's uncle, once a very strong and determined firefighter, had a stroke. While in the hospital, their neighbors cared for their house, cooked meals for not only the aunt and uncle, but any of the rest of the family when it was their night to stay at the hospital with Uncle or it was their night to let Aunt have some rest. Aunt didn't have to cook ONE meal for a solid year. Neighbors continued to bless them with breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Their marriage was such that Uncle knew their wedding vows were truly "for better or worse. in sickness and in health." She didn't view him as a burden. He was not treated as a burden.

Culture teaches us that we must be self-sufficient and perfect, or else we are a "burden" to someone else. I truly think that is why suicide rates continue to rise. If people aren't perfect they are cast aside in many cases. This world is not a factory where we manufacture perfect humans and throw those who don't match our "quality control" into a trash bin.

I think this need to remain self-sufficient and to not be a "burden" is why people start dwelling on death. They fear death, but I think they have a greater fear of living life needing others. I think the thought of being dependent on someone else terrifies them, and some think they would rather die than live dependent.

I have a very good friend who has spina bifida. He is pretty independent with many things and he has a great outlook on life, but he has helped me to understand that it is not so much dependence as an opportunity to hone our skills with human connectedness. He went through an "I am a burden" time for many years, but it was always part of his human condition to be "dependent" on others. He has helped me to see that it is not bad to need assistance and to allow others to be blessings to us.

For some people, the way they love others is by doing acts of service for them. Find the people in your life that want to "serve" you and let them do it. I have found it brings them great happiness to help.

As others have expressed, be sure to show gratitude for the kindnesses extended to you.

SandiA

I tend to be very independent and would rather do anything myself than ask for help. So it was something I struggled with. A good friend once told me when I don’t let others help me I am taking away their blessings. I tired to remember that when people wanted or needed to help me.

po18guy

Love sees no burden - in either direction.

Carool

Beautiful and wise comments, to which I’ll just add that all of us need the help of others and need to help others. We can’t do it alone.

GregP_WN

I've always had a problem with asking for help too, for certain things. Now, if I've built a giant piece of furniture that I can't get out of my workshop without help, my brother-in-law lives next door and I don't mind asking him to give me a hand. And I don't mind helping him either. But asking someone to drive me somewhere, or to do certain things just isn't something I have in me. I guess it depends on the what, when, who, and where of it all. I understand the feeling like a burden thing though.

legaljen1969

@GregP-WN- I know the feeling about asking for help with things like driving you somewhere or doing certain things. I think we often don't mind asking for help with things that don't directly relate to our illness. Asking your BIL to move a large piece of furniture is an everyday life thing- something that doesn't particularly require you to talk about your condition or require him to think about it.

I have only "had to" ask for help because of my condition twice and both times, it was like sawing off my own leg without anesthesia to get someone to help. Not that it was that hard to ask for the help, but the people who had said they would "help" made the process so excruciatingly painful I vowed to never ask for their help again and I won't.

If people make you feel like a burden, they are likely losing out in a big way. I had a "friend" who told me and still tells me "Whatever you need, I will be there for you. Any time of the day or night. I will clear my schedule for you." Not ONCE ever has she not been "too busy" or "lost her phone" when I call her. I just say "I appreciate the offer, but you are always so busy, I am sure I will find someone else who can help."

I understand the feeling of being a burden. But like someone else said, sometimes when we do refuse the help, we are taking away their blessing or their opportunity to help us. Some people really thrive on that stuff.

Paperpusher

My husband definitely felt like a burden when he was going through and recovering from chemo. It was a very difficult time. We've been blessed with neighbors who are happy to help with anything. They made sure hubby's car and our sidewalks were free of snow so we could get to chemo. They still plow out the main walkway and our driveway. Hubby was in the hospital after Hurricane Sandy and with no power I gave them the food out of my freezer and they invited me to dinner so I wouldn't have to sit in a dark house alone. They also took turns hooking up generators to keep the rest of the food safe. A father and son ripped up my first floor carpeting when hubby had his stroke so he wouldn't trip. They always ask about him and let me know they are ready to help with anything. All I have to do is open my mouth. It's not easy for me to ask for help but sometimes you need to.

Bug

A couple of years after graduating from college and moving away from home I found myself short on funds. I called my mother, sobbing, and asked her for a loan until pay day. I was ashamed that I needed to ask for a loan. Softly and quietly, my mother said, "Everyone needs a little help sometime." And she wasn't just talking about financially. Mom, of course, was right and it is something that I have seen played out over and over again over the years with family, friends, coworkers, everyone - including people who didn't think they ever "needed" anyone's help.

You are not a burden. Humans help humans - or should anyway. That's what we do. That's what love, kindness, and compassion are all about.