So something strange is happening with some of my friends.

JustGrateful

At first, all of my girlfriends were around almost every day. They would call, text, stop by, bring supper for the family, and do lots of great things for the whole family. But now, it's like the new has worn off of the new toy and they don't want to play anymore. I haven't heard a peep out of a couple, no yet, no calls, no visits, just poof, disappeared. I don't understand. Did it get too hard for them? Don't have the time to spend worrying over what I might need? It half pisses me and half I don't understand.

cllinda

People get weird. It's too much for them to handle so they just back away. They get afraid of your cancer, like it's contagious. I had a neighbor who I was pretty friendly with and when she found out, and I was outside, she would scurry from her car to her house without even a wave. She moved away last summer.
But also, maybe the pandemic has them scared. They don't want to bring you the virus so to protect you, they have disappeared.
People do weird things. I'm sure others will tell you the same thing. Hugs.

po18guy

Many help out until the warm and fuzzy is replaced by the weary and frazzled.

legaljen1969

I do think that the pandemic has made things even weirder and more awkward than usual.
I’ve had the same experience with people just disappearing. It feels very isolating. I know.
I have found that I have to let people experience and cope with MY cancer in their own way. I am sure sometimes you went to say “Excuse me but how did this suddenly become all about you? I am the one with cancer.” I have found that I feel like I have to be guarded and “protect” their feelings if they keep dwelling on how hard this is for “them.” Yes they get a chance to process it, but they don’t get the chance to make YOU feel like the bad guy. You don’t have to be the strongest one for them. I got a great graphic from a friend. I will try to find and post to the pinboard.

Until your real life folks come to grips with the situation, we are all here for you
I am wondering if what you’re experiencing has anything to do with your worries about death. I find that what you’re experiencing with friends dropping away is the same that some experience after a funeral- the friends are all there in the days surrounding the news but after some time passes and when you really need them they are nowhere to be found. .

GregP_WN

You can substitute the word "family" for "friends" and the same thing happens. I have experienced both of these, and I'm pretty sure all of us experience this to some degree. I get it partially, everyone wants to show some support and let us know that "they are here for us". But when the stuff gets deep and time drags on, a lot of these people start to drop out because they didn't sign up for all of this.

Bengal

Cancer scares people. Just the word scares people. And I've found that when they see it 's not magically"fixed" by treatment, in other words, the effects can continue indefinitely, they back away. I've had people look at me quizzically and say, "but you're all done with treatments, right?" like, why am I not "all better"? And as things drag on some (not all) start to drop away. I've even had family members, sigh dramatically, "so we're still doing this". It is exhausting . We can't just decide to walk away from it. Unfortunate, they can and some do.

MarcieB

Have you heard of the Caring Bridge? It is a website where you can set up a blog and write your medical updates and invite friends to be able to visit it and see what is going on with you. The site will ask for donations, but it isn't necessary. I opened a site there when I began my treatment. It is really meant to be a place to post your upcoming appointments and say how they went...but I shamelessly used it as a blog. I wrote how I felt about everything - losing hair, peoples reactions, my *feel sorry for myself * days, my hopeful days, the silliness of my techs during Christmas season infusions (which was fun) - just everything. My friends could read it and post a comment and pretty soon I had a LOT of people asking for the next segment!
It served two purposes:
1 - It let all the people who care about me know exactly where I was - mentally, emotionally, and physically
2 - It acted like a journal for me to process what was going on myself! I looked forward to my friend's reactions and even though my last entry was Nov. 2019, some still ask me when I am going to write again. When you post, the Caring Bridge will notify everyone on your list therein a new entry. It was helpful to me. There were days when I just felt like hell but once I started writing....I felt better by the time I was through.

MarcieB

Oh, geez, I was wondering why Bengal was defending H-e - double hockey sticks and now I see why - the *powers that be* won't allow that word here? yikes! I wonder if ass (another word for donkey) is allowed? Lol! I just thought everyone was tip-toeing around that word and I kinda wondered why.

MarcieB

Me again. (I guess we CAN'T use that other word for donkeys!). I just realized I meant to post my above answer in response to Just Grateful's OTHER question about staying positive. Sigh! I guess I am having my own problems with focus today!

BuckeyeShelby

At least she waited until after treatment was completed, but my best friend of over 30 years told me, via text, that she was DONE with me.

LiveWithCancer

It happens to all of us, I think. In most cases, i do not think it is intentional, really, but it is that their own lives start intervening again.

I think in my case, it is a matter of out of sight out of mind. But, truthfully, for the most part, my friends and acquaintances didn't step up to help at the beginning either. I concluded i had far more acquaintances and many fewer actual friends than i realized.

Since being diagnosed, i have made new sets of friends and acquaintances. I feel comfortable that more of them are actual friends than i had before (some are unaware that i have cancer).

legaljen1969

@MarcieB, I should have started posting about my journey with Caring Bridge. That might have been a safer space. I have been unashamed and written a LOT on my Facebook. People followed for a little while and then I would say over 80% of my FB friends BLOCKED me. Some called or texted to say that they just couldn't deal with me and Facebook was no place to post bad news.

Well, I am here to tell you, I have discovered that Facebook is definitely only about rainbows and unicorn gas. LOL A few "unblocked" and tried to add me back to their friends lists, posting profuse apologies. I responded to each of them that they could have muted me or turned off notifications for a period of time or unfollowed me, but they blocked me. They cast me out of their lives and for all intents and purposes. I consider when someone blocks me- they have put me out of their lives and effectively said I am dead to them. You can mute me or tell me I am a little "extra" or tell me that you need to take a break, but once someone tells me they are DONE with me or blocks me, that's it. There is NEVER a chance to come back. They showed me who they are and how they feel.
Maybe that unforgiveness in unattractive, but there are just some things one cannot recover.

MarcieB

legaljen, I am so sorry you had such a painful experience. I wish you had tried Caring Bridge too. Being blocked is very hurtful, it must feel like utter rejection. And you especially didn't need it when you were so vulnerable. A cancer diagnosis can really weed through our friends - the real ones stick and we don't forget.

gpgirl70

I didn’t have that experience because I reached out to my friends and family. I was a teacher and when my friends went back to work, I felt forgotten. I thought, well heck I have time so I’ll plan fun things to do with my family and friends. In the end, my cancer journey brought us much closer, but our friendships may have become distant had I not told them what I needed. It helped me get over being anxious and angry about my cancer to go get coffee, see a movie, or go on a hike. After awhile they started initiating get togethers. I think even close friends don’t really know how to support someone going through cancer in the long term.

GregP_WN

For anyone wanting to post about their experiences, blog, journal, or whatever you want to call it. All of that already exists right here. Your homepage has a section titled "Share An Update" When you post something there it is shared with everyone with your same diagnosis and with anyone who follows you. So if your friends/family are registered here and follow you the see all of your posts, if you want them to.

CASSIEME1

if people did half of the scarceness they do with cancer too the pandemic the world would do better , heal . where is the caring. today's world is all about me me me!!!!!!