A friend of mine's father had cancer, stage IV, on hospice, and was going downhill fast

MyLungCancer

He kept telling everyone he wanted some peace and quiet and for everyone to leave and leave him alone. The family had been trading shifts staying with him and nobody wanted to leave him alone. Somehow, he convinced them to give him some time. When they returned from their time away he had killed himself.
A few years ago there was Dr. Kavorkian. He was given a hard time for what he was doing, but do you believe that this man killing himself was better than an assisted death?

I think there is a place for it, this was horrifying for the family.

LiveWithCancer

I am so sorry, MyLungCancer. I can't imagine how horrific it was for the family to find their dad dead after they had been so attentive to him. I suspect they are blaming themselves for listening to him and leaving him alone and giving him an opportunity to take his own life.

I can support assisted suicide as Kavorkian did because I can understand some people being so afraid of declining health that they want to decide the terms under which they die ... and when to end it all. I can argue against it too ... taking matters into our own hands, playing God with our lives ... if I had believed the doctor back when I was first diagnosed and thought I had only 4 months left ... and decided to check out before reaching the end of those 4 months, I would have cheated myself out of 7+ years of a good, quality, and productive life...

I suspect the dad was thinking of his family as much as himself - I am sure he did not want to put them through watching him die and having to take care of him when maybe he could no longer take care of himself.

My heart goes out to them.

GregP_WN

I have always thought that Dr. Kavorkian did nothing wrong. I thought back in the day he got the shaft in his case. He was ahead of his time. If everyone really knew all that really goes on with a lot of cases of near death, there is a lot of it that goes on now. I am good with it. There is not reason in the world for someone to lay in a bed for the last 24 to 72 hours of their life just barely hanging on by a thread only breathing once a minute. That is not life, living, and who knows if they are feeling pain or not.

I'm sorry your friend had to take this path out to get what he wanted. Peace and healing for the family.

Bengal

I do strongly believe that a person has this right. Not sure I approve of the way this gentleman chose to do it and the devastating results for his family. He did the right thing for himself but perhaps should have been more considerate of how his methodology would effect his family. I'm betting someone dying of stage 4 cancer isn't necessarily thinking about much more than the pain and the need to end it.

Teachertina

My mom was 84 and had pneumonia again. She also had lung cancer, was in pain and asked us to let her die. Doctors agreed to make her comfortable with morphine. We sat with her for 2 days and she passed peacefully in no pain. We granted her wishes and feel at peace with that decision. She didn’t want to have extraordinary efforts to keep her alive and she was so ready to go. I have a DNR and written instructions for my family and the doctors to honor my wishes when the time comes. Be sure you have this in place for yourself and encourage others to do this too. It’s a relief for everyone to know what you want.

JaneA

I am very sorry for the circumstances. Seems to me that hospice wasn't doing their job of pain relief nor in helping the family - part of this could be related to the pandemic - nurses stretched to the limit and the need for social distancing. Yes, morphine should have been used more aggressively.

GregP_WN

We used hospice twice, with each of my parents. I didn't understand exactly what they do before we had them come in. It's a wonderful service and I recommend it to anyone in this situation. They are not "Dr. Kavorkian", but I'd say they have a few pages from his playbook in their manual.

BoiseB

Everyone has their ideas on the "dignity of death" My mother made her wishes know that if she were close to death all pain medications should cease. She also refused to sign a DNR. The hospice crew pressured the family to "Make" and that is the word they used, her sign the DNR. The nurses also tried to force her to take morphine, I actually had to stop them because she was saying NO. The thing was my mother had been very honest with the family about her wishes.
I have moved to a state where euthanasia is legal. This frightens me because like my mother I want to die naturally. Even if that means a lot of pain. I do want extreme measures so that I have the most hours of life even if they are very painful. I also do not want my family to witness my death. There is a little bit of vanity there. But also I don't want them to be pressured to sign DNR or other measures. The answer is to have an Advance Directive and attach an addendum to it that outlines explicitly your wishes for your last hours.

po18guy

Given what you have posted, I would say:
1. He was very selfish - not considering the effect on loved ones.
2. He may have lacked love from the beginning.
3. He was not aware of the purpose and value of suffering.

Paperpusher

Even if he hadn't taken his own life, which I think is traumatizing for the family depending on the method, a lot of patients wait until the family is away to die. My MIL had hospice involved and they slowing upped her morphine to keep her out of pain and to ease her death. She had a doctor who gave her meds to take her own life at her own time but being a long time Catholic was afraid she'd go to hell. However she wanted me to give her the pills and didn't understand that I could go to jail so I couldn't. She went peacefully with my daughter and I there planning her wedding and calming music playing.

BoiseB

My death is for me NOT. for my loved ones. I have discussed this with them. I have made an Advanced Directive with some specific wishes.Morphine doesn't prolong your life in fact it shortens it One thing is I do NOT wish to die peacefully. If fact I have attached a handwritten quote to my Advanced Directive
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Dylan Thomas
Also I would really prefer to die alone. But I DO NOT WANT TO DIE DRUGGED BY PAIN KILLERS. For my peace does not equal dignity