Gumpus61

Another caregiver here. Personally I don't care for the saying God only give us what we can handle. I don't believe that is necessarily true nor will you find it in the bible.

You spoke about guilt, which I can relate to. A question for those who have gone through years of watching a spouse battle cancer. Many days of crying, pain, watching your beloved go through all of the battles. The pain is great but for those of you who can answer, is the pain just as great or greater when they are gone? Perhaps a slightly different kind of pain. I can't imagine my world without my wife in it but watching her suffer is extremely painful.

Mitch sorry for the loss of your wife. I too am a caregiver for my wife. I am 58 and she is 54. We have been married for 34 years. Kim was diagnosed with breast cancer about 16 years ago, she had it metastasize to 3 different bone areas about 6 years ago. She takes a chemo pill. My wife sounds a lot like yours, as for taking this journey with such grace. I would love to be able to talk with you to share some of our same journey that we have experienced. Take care and if you need a friend to talk to I am there.

So very sorry to hear of your passing of your beautiful wife - my heart goes out to you and your family during this very sad time

I asked how your wife was doing today - I missed that she had recently passed away. I can't seem to figure out how to delete my question so I thought the next best thing would be to come here and say how very sorry I am for your loss ... and that my question may seem insensitive. I know that the two of you went through a lot during her battle with cancer.

I just read three of your blog posts and was impressed with your writing “voice”. Thank you for your brutal honesty. I understand most people can’t handle the truth, but people like me prefer clarity to agreement. Like you, I’ve experienced cancer as the caregiver and now as the patient for a terminal case of my own.

Just wanted to say, THANK YOU for sharing the TRUTH. My wife died 3 years ago from Stage 4 Pancreatic; ( lasted 6 months after diagnosis); and all I can say is, this is EXACTLY what a husband goes through, as a caregiver, partner, soul mate. It brought back a lot of emotions, but family and friends need to know this. I wish no person, to suffer from this disease; nor their caretakers; but people need to know. No one can ever know exactly what it is like, unless they are experiencing it, or involved in being a caretaker. I can go on and on, but your blog really touched me. Thank you, -------

I forgot you were from Midland/Odessa, if I ever knew. I grew up in Midland. Left there in 1972 and have been back once, long ago. But, i still have some wonderful friends that I knew from grade school - high school.

I just read you lates blog post. Thank you for taking the time to put to words what I am sure so many others are feeling. May you find the time to feel good this holiday season. -David

Thank you for your reply. I read your blog and then reread your reply. Unfortunately, your wisdom sounds hard-learned. I am learning a lot on this journey. Hearing from others gives me perspective, understanding and hope. I have so much to be thankful for. All my best to you and Ann. I hope the holidays bring you both happiness.

Thank you for your honest sharing. I really appreciate it & it helps to know there is community around this new life.

What a perfect Blog you wrote It says allthe things I cant say it is sooooo true and helps to see I am not the only one feeling these feelings. Thank you so much for sharing It has helped me and I know others.

Reading what you wrote about caregiving was amazing. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it will help many. It helped me.

Just a quick note to see how you and your lovely wife are doing. You're in my thoughts. Much love to you both.

Gumpus61, you and your wife have an on my mind. I just wanted to drop by and tell you so. I hope you are both doing well.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm caregiver to my husband of 42 years. He was diagnosed with neuroendocrine sclc in December 2013. He had surgery and we were told that "they" got it all and no treatment was necessary. The relief was amazing and short lived. I wish we had gotten a second opinion but hindsight is 20/20. It came back with a vengeance in 9 months and was deemed inoperable, but treatable due to size and location. We were told at the beginning that the goal of treatment was a 20% chance to put into remission, not to cure it. The treatment was hell on him and stressful for me. Yes, I yelled at him to eat, to at least drink something. And yes I cried a lot, in the car, in the bathroom with my face buried in a towel, in my pillow at night. I could only support him. We planned his funeral and were able to laugh about him wanting to be laid out in his Dallas Cowboys Jersey. As of his October 2016 PET scan, he is stable. No shrinkage and he has radiation fibrosis which leaves him very short of breath with exertion. He does some stuff on Ebay and plays a game on Facebook. He is fortunate that he's still able to drive and that a few of his friends still check on him.

He's also had a stroke which disabled him before the cancer so yes, I've had to take over the heavy work inside and out. I've become resentful that there is so much to do and I don't have the energy. My health has been effected and I'm making the rounds with doctors and tests. I get so upset when he says "We need to...." Where is the we? The We is me. Our kids are grown and although they live close by, they don't help much. They're too busy. I'm hiring more and more people to do what I don't have the energy to do but would enjoy doing. I've become short tempered and am losing my compassion for him because there is more small things that he could do but doesn't because he's in his own little bubble. I want to move to a place with less maintenance but he puts his foot down. He supervises how I do things so I do them behind his back. There are times that I wished he had died and then I feel guilty about that. And yes I still cry in the car, in the towel and pillow.

I think you are amazing. My husband would have been long gone. God Bless you both.

Thank you so much for this incredibly honest and accurate post today! We think we have beaten it for now, but no confirmation from the doctors. Well see. In the meantime we try to have that good summer.....

There are simply no words. I'm sitting looking at my keyboard. I'm sorry seems so empty.
I've been married 30 years to wonderful man who has stood by me through breast cancer resulting in a double mastectomy, uterine cancer resulting in a hysterectomy and an inoperable brain tumor being 'managed' by radiation.
We both know I'm going to die. We talk about it openly and honestly. We have two sons in their 20s who have slowly accepted my cancer. I made a bucket list and we're concentrating on that rather than the cancer.
I have told my husband I want him to marry again because he's a great husband. We married later in life - I'm 64, he's 70. First marriage for both of us. We were career focused until we met.
For us, we simply love each other every moment of every day. That is what gets us through. May your days be filled with love, acceptance and the little joys that most people miss.

May God Bless the two of you. Thank you for this article.

Thank you for your article. Sending love and healing to you both.

Hi there, I was dx Nov 2013 with stage 3c. I have had several chemo treatment drugs with doxil being my last IV drug and I did not do well on it. I have been on Arimidex pill form for the last 9 months but my CA125 numbers keep going up. I have an appt. on May 9th to see the doctor. He is going to put me on a Parp Inhibitor but with a couple of them just being FDA approved his office is seeing if any of them will be covered by my insurance. Good luck and I will let you know how it goes. Teal Love!!

Thank you for your post. You have put into very thoughtful words what I am also experiencing as a caregiver to my wife with brain cancer. I have been seemingly adrift since my wife's battle began two years ago. The world keeps going as much as I wish it would stop for awhile and let me catch my breath. Two school age children seem to keep me on track to get things done for but the load is a heavy one and guilt is my constant companion. And it comes from every part of my life. The worst is the guilt I feel when I find myself angry at her for this when I know she had no choice in the matter. I want my wife back and have a hard time dealing with the loss of the woman I fell in love with. Two surgeries, radiation and chemo have knocked the cancer back and the prognosis is good. But all of that treatment also took some things away from her, she lost her energy, developed left side weakness and most challenging it took away her mental sharpness. It did not affect her stubbornness however which probably helped her pull through the onslaught of treatment.

At the heart of it, I am lonely, angry and sad all at the same time. I do not want to burden her with my troubles as she has enough on her plate. Friends ask how I am doing and I say "fine" because I don't want to drag them into the gritty details. I know it's a guy thing but part of it is that I want to forget for awhile.

I have true sympathy for your situation as I am walking the same path. Peace.

What an honest perspective! Thank you. It's both sad and beautiful! Hugs!

What an overwhelming courageous story. I wish you and your wife the best future possible.

I read your post and you have captured my feelings and experience with 100% accuracy.

My wife of 35 years passed away on February 13th 2015 from her breast cancer. Ironically the day before Valentines day. For the most part the pain has faded, however, it does erupt in unpredictable ways.

I feel like I should say more, but I think you already know everything I can tell you, and perhaps more.

Thank you for sharing.

I love your truthfulness about your experience to date. She's lucky to have you and I'm sure she knows this. You both need to find your outlets and a way to vent rather than at each other. I know you give it all you've got and hope and pray for the best. Take care Judy

Gumpus61, I just want to say I am praying for you and your wife. My tears are streaming down my face. You both are so courageous. Thanks for sharing your story. I am the patient and I understand where your wife is coming from. I do not have a husband but I do have siblings, children and grandchildren and it breaks my heart knowing the pain I am causing them. God Bless You

My husband of 45 years has esophageal cancer. I am now the full time driver, repair person, banker and all else in the house. I wouldn't trade it for anything as long as we have a little more time. Prayers for you and your lovely wife.

Wonderful and painful. My husband died 19 years ago of primary brain cancer, everything you wrote fit my experience as the wife caregiver. I too did most of my crying when driving, shopping for groceries, driving. Even after he died I still did a lot of crying while driving. I wondered at the time if the local grocery store thought a mad woman was in their store because I sobbed through the whole experience right up to check out. We are called upon to be strong when our hearts are breaking, life as we knew it is gone, we don't want the life without them. I am so sorry for the two of you.

Just read your message....... thank you for sharing.... I just had this thought of how could me having cancer be any worse..... well you answered that one...... you both are lucky to have each other.. like you said... some couples don't survive the battles!!