Survivor Guilt

legaljen1969

It's probably one of the most "useless emotions" ever, but I think it does plague many of us.

For those with Stage 0 and Stage 1 cancers that were "easily treatable" our journey may be a lumpectomy with a short period of radiation, a single mastectomy and then nothing more- no radiation or chemotherapy.

We feel so fortunate to have only entered the ring, but not have to go a full fight with the cancer devil. Then we hear of a friend or family member who has to do the whole fight and we wonder "why did you spare me? Why does THIS person have to go through SO MUCH?"

I am having crazy survivor guilt right now, all self-inflicted of course, as I follow the journey of a little girl with a very different kind of cancer. Adrenocortical carcinoma. This beautiful little girl was diagnosed at the age of 4. She has fought bravely, gone through several clinical trials, and was really thriving for awhile. Then, a few months ago, it was discovered that the cancer was growing again. She had to have part of her liver removed and cancer is growing in the portal vein of her liver. She is now weakened from her surgeries and the family seems to believe they are running out of time.

WHY does someone like me, mid-life, get told "Oh we see some stuff in your body and we are going to take it out, but just take these little pills for a few years and everything should be fine" and a tiny little girl gets an aggressive cancer? A sweet little girl with a whole life to live? A little girl with loads of compassion. She's always thinking of others. She collects and purchases sheets and toys for children in the hospital so they will have happy sheets and fun things to play with. Her family backs her mission and helps her give back. How many of us give back in that way? Like we know what women need in our breast cancer journey, but do we give back? Maybe it's not even about what people "need" but just providing things that bring comfort. Providing the sorts of things that brought us comfort. I know I haven't been as compassionate as this little girl.

It breaks my heart to know that a little angel like this is running out of time and my mundane life was spared with little to no particular interruption.

legaljen1969

While this has NOTHING to do with breast cancer, I will close out this discussion with the news that none of us really ever wanted to get quite so soon.

Sweet little Riley Faith has passed away. She is now free from pain and suffering, and as her faith dictated, she is in the presence of her Lord.

At only seven years old, Riley's journey with cancer took up over half of her life. She was diagnosed at age four. I cannot even comprehend that- living with cancer for over half of a life.

The last few days as the disease has overtaken her body, her family and friends have been saying a lot of prayers and all of them were to have her rid of her pain and cancer. The hard part is being between the stage where one holds out hope for one last miracle- one last shot at a full life, and the realization of knowing that the prayers we pray seem to have but one end and that is her passing on beyond the earthly human bonds that hold her here with her pain and suffering.

A few days ago, her grandmother- her MImi- did a post talking about the bittersweet memories of RIley's grandfather who passed long before Riley was even born. Riley's grandmother and mother were quite young when he passed. They were playing videos and looking at pictures "so Riley would recognize him in Heaven."

Riley brought so many people so much joy on this earth, and her passing will be so sad for so many. She packed a full life into her seven years and she was such a sweet and generous little soul.

May Riley's family find comfort in these hard days. Rest in peace and fly high little angel. Your presence is missed. In memory of Riley Faith.

legaljen1969

As "life goes on" please take a moment to read this message. Riley's mother has a birthday coming up and her older sister does as well.

Perhaps if you could send a card to either, as requested by Riley's Mimi- it might bring a smile on a day of very tearful "firsts" after the passing of Riley.

Team Riley Faith

 

 · 

Olivia is Riley’s older sister. Her birthday is August 27. She is turning eleven. I’m looking for volunteers to send Olivia birthday cards.

Olivia Hope

PO Box 121

Reidville, SC 29375

Her birthday will be filled with a mixture of several thoughts, feelings and emotions. It’s hard for adults to accept and process that Riley isn’t coming back, but it’s even harder for children. The night Riley passed Olivia cried and she said, “I lost my best friend”.

Rachael (Riley’s Mama) birthday is August 15. Can y’all please say some extra prayers for Rachael on her birthday?

When Rachael was pregnant with Riley we found out it was a girl. I remember thinking forever friends and sisters. Olivia and Riley the first two born, and the closest in age. Now there is a big gap. There is a hole in our family, and a hole in our hearts.

Next week Olivia starts school. She will be in sixth grade. On Tuesday she will walk into school alone without Riley. Olivia is determined to remember and represent Riley at school. Olivia loves Stitch and Riley loved sloths. Olivia said she is going to switch between a Stitch backpack and a sloth backpack. She is going to rotate every day.

Olivia has a new emotional support animal named Toothpick. Olivia volunteered at a petting zoo the day before Riley passed. She brought home a hedgehog

for the night. The plan was to keep him just one night, because Olivia was going to help the petting zoo the next day. Riley declined a lot over night. Her parents kept Olivia home, and the hedgehog stayed with her. Olivia and the hedgehog spent many hours together that day.

Toothpick the hedgehog is now Olivia’s emotional support hedgehog. He goes everywhere with her. She carries him in a sling type bag. He went to Riley’s viewing and service. He even went to meet the teacher last week.

I’m thankful for Olivia’s new emotional support hedgehog

named Toothpick.

#hedgehog #toothpick #6grade

MarcieB

Thank you for this post. I too, am saddened to lose Riley, that little flower. Jen, who knows why some people have longer or easier lives than others? Last night I joined a 24 hour prayer vigil for a young woman in her 20's battling breast cancer that has turned out to be quite aggressive. I have had some of those same guilt thoughts. I think you know my son, my only child, died at age 31 from the complications of muscular dystrophy. So, not only did he die young, he never had the joy of independence because he could'nt walk. And yet...he was so fun to be around he had a ton of friends. And they made sure he was included in everything possible. Class trips, group vacations, and he was able to get a college degree and live on campus with their help. When he died one of his friend's father said to me, "I never knew anyone dealt so bad a hand, yet played it so well." That is the comment I keep in my heart. In the long run, it doesn't matter how many days we are allotted - it's how we play them out. (I am not always good at remembering this...! But, I try)

legaljen1969

As "life goes on" please take a moment to read this message. Riley's mother has a birthday coming up and her older sister does as well.

Perhaps if you could send a card to either, as requested by Riley's Mimi- it might bring a smile on a day of very tearful "firsts" after the passing of Riley.

legaljen1969

Marcie, it is important, though not always easy to remember that "It's not the amount of days in our life, but the amount of life in our days that matters." It sounds like your son lived a very full life.

I am glad you were able to participate in the prayer vigil for the young lady. Prayer is an important tool.