How can I help my husband

lindi143

My
Husbands cancer is getting worse. He is really depressed from those who have been there should I just leave him alone to grieve this new chapter or try to force him to go so
Somewhere. We are waiting to get a scan to see if it has spread. We are running out of options it seems

JamnJ

I too have advanced. Mets to bones. The depression is real.
Love, lots of Love and understanding.
I'm not much on people anymore so I spend 24/7 with my wife.
Vacations! My wife gets me out on vacations. It always allows me to be me and thats worth everything.
Living from appointment to appointment doesn't allow the brain to relax. Make the appointments work around your vacations. Makes me feel good to buck the system even if its just a little.
Hope this helps.....

lindi143

Thank you so much. Wishing you well.

Carool

I’m so sorry.

I like what JammJ said. I’ll add that I’d encourage your husband to get another opinion as well (that’s what I’d do if it were my husband or partner — and, eventually, if we live long enough and are part of a couple, we all find ourselves in a similar situation, unfortunately). I hope he can get some advice that will give you both more hope.

lindi143

Thank you Carool. We are trying to figure out what to do. Waiting on insurance for the approval for a scan. I hope you are doing well

Carool

lindi143, I’m glad to help in any way. Please keep us posted when you can.

I’m fine so far, thank you.

Bug

I'm sorry to hear this, lindi143. The depression is so sad, so hard. I guess if it were me I'd encourage him to get a second opinion and, in the meantime, try to keep busy. Easy for me to say, I know. Very best wishes to you. Please keep us posted. We're here for you.

lindi143

Thank you bug. Today he is more optimistic I’m
Looking into md Anderson

legaljen1969

I am sure the depression is hard. The "not knowing" is always hard. It seems that when we know what is going on, we can make a game plan. Whether that game plan is "fight like heck" or "It's time to just live my life." It can't be easy for you either to see him so depressed.
So here's what I think. I think you do both- allow him to grieve the current situation AND force him to go somewhere. Allow him to feel his feelings. Be as supportive as you can and offer as much support as he is willing to accept. Maybe he prefers to process on his own or maybe he needs someone to help him process things. Maybe you are the one who helps him or maybe someone more objective would be helpful. I don't know how cautious you need to be based on his immunity situation and his current treatment regimen, if any. I don't know what you mean by force him to go somewhere. Do you mean to get a second opinion "somewhere", get some help processing this situation (counseling or therapy) "somewhere" or just "He needs to see something other than the same four walls all the time?"
Based on your post that his cancer is "getting worse" this is not your "first rodeo." So you know how you both have reacted and adapted in the past. It cannot be easy to have it "come back" or "re-appear," nor can it be easy to have something new come knocking on your door.
If seeking treatment options gives you some peace of mind that you are "doing something" then start looking.
If you mean just make him go "somewhere" other than at home or his workshop or his job, then just say "Come on, ride with me to...." or just tell him "Hey I booked a room at... We just need a change of scenery and maybe we can both think better if we have a fresh perspective." I was so stressed out last year and my husband finally said "We are just going away for one night. We just need a change of scenery." We ended up staying for the weekend.
I remember how hard it was to even focus when I first heard the word "cancer." Everything after that was like Charlie Brown's teacher "Wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah." Maybe he just needs time to let his brain stop spinning. When I have a thousand things on my mind, I get "brain paralysis" and I can't do any of the things I need to do or think about just one thing.
I love my husband and my parents and everyone who supported me, but I thought I was going to go insane when people said "Just stay positive. Just keep your chin up.You've got this." I wanted a moment, an hour, a day to just say "This really stinks. It's not fair. Why me? What might happen." We never want to see our loved one hurting, but sometimes you have to let them hurt a little and get it out. It took me almost a year of "being strong" and protecting everyone else who just "couldn't stand it" when I was sad. I finally just had a freaking screaming breakdown one day at my hairdresser's place when I said "I am so tired of everyone telling me how to feel. I am tired of not being heard, of not being able to process this because I have to be "on" all the time for everyone."
We all have feelings. He gets to feel his and you get to feel yours. Neither of you has the right or privilege to say that's not okay. This is a life changing event for you both. You need to have space AND to lean on each other.
So sorry this was so long. As I said, let him grieve AND force him to keep moving.

lindi143

Thank you sooooo much you said what I was feeling and thinking but could not get it out. I really appreciate your candid response it is a huge help. Yes I get tired of the it will be ok people. It might not be ok. We have been at this 6 years. It’s always gonna be there so we just keep fighting just hard thank you again and I wish you well