I'm having trouble staying focused on the positive things in my life

JustGrateful

and off of the negative. How do you keep from dwelling on death, or what your family's life would be like without you?

cllinda

This is very common for newly diagnosed people. Are you sleeping well? Probably not. My brain kept spinning even though I wanted to sleep. Nothing is normal right now. Between the Corona virus and being diagnosed, it's very hard to be Positive. Can you speak with a counselor? That helps. My hospital had a counselor on staff to help me deal with cancer. And it was free. Just take it easy on yourself. You are going through so much now. Hugs.

Bengal

It is hard right now with the future so uncertain to find the positive. Like clinda mentioned, your brain is trying to process way too much information. Anecdote: my first year of college I ended up with the roommate from hell. I was very unhappy and just wanted out. I ended up talking with a dorm counselor. Fifty years on I don't remember much of the conversation except this. She said LOOK for the positive. It may not be immediately apparent but if you consciously look for it it is there. She suggested I make a mental note of anything that made me smile. THAT is the positive. And I found, in spite of my misery, there was alot that still made me smile. (And, fortunately, the roommate left after the first semester). But all those years ago I took that advice to heart and find I still follow it. During my diagnosis and subsequent journey I find myself thinking, hey, I'm smiling. It's not all bad.

Right now I'm smiling watching the birds at my feeders. I find watching them at their antics a real joy.

Bengal

And, H-E - double hockey sticks is NOT profanity!

po18guy

@Bengal "H-E-double hockey sticks"

Don't go there!

I use plain, old-fashioned, time tested faith. For those with persistent negativity, or loss of hope, or anxiety, look into belief systems. Also, a short course in some type of therapy or anti-depression drug may be helpful - but those are short-term.

The best comfort is internal - that which goes with you everywhere and the pill bottle is never empty.

Bug

My onc referred me to a counselor who specializes in cancer issues. She's really good - really "gets it". I still check in with her occasionally. She is part of the medical group and is free. I highly recommend that. Sure, I still have my moments - but the counselor has helped me a lot.

legaljen1969

First, you are still putting the cart before the horse. You are still assuming worst case scenario. I agree with the many who have suggested you speak to a counselor of some sort- whether that person is a psychiatrist, psychologist or a trusted spiritual leader. Having some outside perspective may help.

I have the feeling that once you have a clearer path for your diagnosis and proposed treatment, you will feel much better about all of this. A plan of action provides me with a sense of security. There is so much more uncertainty because we are living in this COVID-19 world like the stinking zombie apocalypse. This too shall pass. I think this may be the craziest time anyone could ever get a cancer diagnosis. So much extra confusion with medical services by teleconference and delayed doctor’s appointments and gloves and masks on hyper use. Nothing in this time is normal. Fear is the way everything is presented to us.

If you’ve already decided you’re going to die from this disease, you won’t fight and you won’t hear the positive things that could be told to you. You’re already processing through a “death” filter/lens.

@Po18guy has a great perspective on faith. My faith has helped me immensely in giving my fears over.

This may sound ridiculously counterintuitive, but it is one action that actually helped me. If you don’t already have the documents in place, find someone to help you prepare a good Durable Power of Attorney and a simple Will. My POA covers everything from ability to handle financial affairs to medical treatment and end of life decisions. I don’t have separate documents for all of those things. My POA covers what some do
Separately as a Healthcare/Medical POA and Living Will/Advance Directives.
Knowing I had already made those decisions helped me know they were not decisions my family would have to make and wonder what I would have wanted them to do.
My will sets out the basics and I have prepared a personal property addendum as to specific items and bequests.

I also highly advise getting a journal. Whether you keep it or whether you write and burn the pages after you vent you’re your journal, either way it helps get the feelings out in the world where you can deal with them.

savingrace

It really hard to look up when your looking down. Down is the negative thoughts that tend to take over. Up is the strength (positive) you have within that you have to pull out and work from. It is a daily task to keep your mind focused on the positive when you are going through such a negative thing as cancer, dealing with the virus, even pain. Talking to positive people/counselors is a great source of help. If you believe in the power of prayer, I'm a testimony that prayer will work. Wishing you all the best.

LiveWithCancer

I fretted a bit when i was first diagnosed. My son was very much a mama's baby and he did not process pain well... My husband has been babied by me our entire marriage and we have discussed that it would probably be better if he dies first... My mom has lost two husbands to cancer already and is far more emotional than I am.

I wasn't personally worried in the least about dying. I strongly believe that when i take my last breath here, i take my next breath in heaven and i don't dread that in the least. I made sure my family was aware that i wasn't afraid to die ... that i would be sorry to leave them ... but i would see them again.

I put on a happy face and a positive attitude. I was the person who encouraged my family all through the process, instead of being encouraged by them. I talked to my husband about what i wanted when i died. And, i knew my son would be there for his dad ... together they would make it with me gone, even if that wasn't what they would prefer.

You can let this disease steal your joy and rob you of today when you still have it ... or you can say, "No! I am alive today!! I will live today, this day that I do have."

Believe it or not, you can train your mind to not dwell on sad or scary things. Start a "Grateful" jar and fill it up with things for which you are grateful: your home, a sunny day, a fresh cup of coffee, your family, a freshly mowed grass, beautiful flowers.... the list should be nearly endless. Dwell on THOSE things.

Listen to happy music. Watch a fun movie or tv series. Read a book. Talk to friends or famiy(not about cancer or illness). Go for a walk. Pet a dog. Exercise. Garden. Paint. I used to sit on my patio with my camera and take 100s of pictures of birds, rocks, grass, flowers, weeds, the wind across the swimming pool, clouds in the sky, airplane flying by ...

The last time I saw my oncologist, he said I was his superstar patient (he has many superstar patients). He went on to say that he would like to take credit for that, but couldn't. He credited the fact that i am still here on my faith and my attitude. (Stress and negativity are killers)