How do you feel about the statement that "Oh, you are so strong, I couldn't do it"?

Coloman

I appreciate their sentiment, but seriously, what else are we supposed to do? I guess we could take the information from the doctor and decide nope, I'm done, see you. But realistically the human spirit and instinct is to fight to survive. So, I do what I have to, strong? I don't know. I guess it takes strength, some of us have more than others. Physical strength? I guess the more we have going in the longer we will stay on our feet. Mental strength? Yes, I believe we have to have a ton of that.

GregP_WN

I have heard that many times. I think it's one of those things that people say because they have heard it or read it so many times in all those Facebook memes that they think it's what they are supposed to say. I agree, what choice do we have? It's either strap up your boots and get with it or lay down and die. Most of us will choose to strap up for as long as we can.

There may come a point at which we have to take those boots off and put our slippers back on and relax, but until then I'm buying a new pair of boots and strapping up!

Bengal

I agree, it's one of those things people say. I mean, what DO you say to a person who has been diagnosed with cancer (or any chronic, debilitating, possibly deadly, disease)? I heard that often when I was in treatment and since then as well. Like the other said, you do what you have to do, often while in shock from receiving your diagnosis. I sometimes think that shock helps a person move forward. At first you're following doctors'/nurse's orders and just moving through the process in a kind of daze.

I used to get annoyed with people who had no experience with cancer themselves saying that to me. I wanted to scream at them, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!"

JaneA

I heard that too. I just told them that we learn that we have more strength and willpower to endure than we ever knew. That cancer draws out our inner strength.

legaljen1969

@Coloman, I think you are right. What choice do we have but to try to be strong, whether mentally or physically? I think it's more tenacity than strength. I used to think it is more willpower than strength. I have somewhat changed my mind on that. Sometimes it is strength when we lose our will. Somehow our mind or body decides to kick it in that extra notch and get us over the obstacle that causes us to sometimes lose our desire to fight or live.

I know I continue to express this point of view throughout many of my posts, but I think we also can also reassure them that some forms of cancer are very responsive to treatment. Not EVERYONE with cancer will undergo many rounds of chemotherapy and/or radiation therapy. Not everyone will lose their hair. Not everyone gets a "countdown" in which time they should rush through their bucket list.

I feel for those of you who do have advanced stages of cancer, or cancers that don't respond as readily to treatment, or those who are going through invasive and prolonged treatment regimens. I know some of you really have to pull up those bootstraps and keep moving forward to stomp out your disease. I KNOW how strong you have to be sometimes.

I am wondering if anyone feels like they "have to" put on a brave face and be stoic when someone says 'You are so strong." I had people say it to me in the days before my mastectomy and I wasn't feeling strong at all. It almost brought tears to my eyes and there were so many times I wanted to say "Oh but I'm really not." I find that people don't know what to do with someone who is feeling weak emotionally or physically. They don't really want to hear about your struggle, so they put the "you are so strong" on you so that you feel like you need to be strong and stoic. It lets them off the hook.

I won't deny I have a little bitterness and aggravation right now. That's how I felt about the people who kept telling me how strong I was. Followed by the "you are so strong, but let me know if you need anything and I mean anything. A scoop of ice cream, a coffee date/conversation, a meal delivery, drive you to an appointment if your usual people can't make it. They were people I really believed I could count on. I only had to call on people twice during the weeks I was recovering, and neither of those times could I get a single person to even answer the phone. I would have been fine if they had told me "I can't today" or "I can't right now" or even "Oh, I know I said I would help, but you know how it is- you say it but you don't mean it." The last time I needed something was March 11th. I made many phone calls and couldn't even get a taxi in time. I had to cancel the appointment. Only one mentioned it to me, and she said "Oh I was just not feeling like being around you if you were sad or if you needed me to help you with something medical." No thanks, the medical part is what I have the doctors and nurses for. The friendship part? Well that's what I could have used.

Since that time, almost every one of them has called on me for something and I have answered every call, every text, and been able to help them with almost everything they have asked. Yes, I suppose I am stronger than they are. Most of it is strength of character and being true to my word.

po18guy

A person does not know their strength until they are called upon to use it.

LiveWithCancer

I was going to say what @po18guy said. People do not know what they are capable of until they have to be capable. Or strong. Thankfully, a lot of people are never called on to demonstrate their strength in the same way.

I also know that having seen friends who handled a difficult situation well ... with strength ... sometimes helps them when / if a similar situation arises for them. I have a long-time friend that I had sort of lost touch with, but, unknown to me, she was following me on FB. A few years later, she got breast cancer. She told me that having watched me over the years gave her more confidence to face her own battle. That made me feel good. I am quite sure that plenty of people have now told HER that they can't believe her strength because she is facing her cancer with dignity and grace and openness ... and a smile.

legaljen1969

@Livewithcancer- I agree. I think a lot of people should be thankful they are not called upon to demonstrate their strength as we have been.

I had a little laugh today when someone came into our office and told me in a dead serious tone that they suffered from "Post Dramatic Stress Disorder. PDSD " I asked if perhaps they meant "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- PTSD." They replied "I have never heard of that. That's not real. You need to get an education." Umm, okay.

If PDSD is a real thing, I have been suffering from that for a long time. Oh the drama. LOL

Teachertina

People say that you are so strong and can’t define exactly what that means. They have not seen you in the worst parts and when you are alone and lonely and sick and tired of it all. They see you getting up again the next day and going on with your life just like everyone is expecting you to. Is that being strong or is it living? I think it’s the strongest power we have, that will to keep living!

po18guy

I bought a T-shirt from BMTinfonet.org/ that states: "I have chemo brain. What's your excuse?"

legaljen1969

@Po18guy, that's a great t-shirt. I really like that.

LiveWithCancer

@legaljen1969 - "PDSD" is a new one on me!!! Hilarious!