The Wrong One

LowcountryJen1969
LowcountryJen1969 Member Posts: 11
in General Discussion

I am in a season of life right now where I have many friends going through really hard times. I always seem to say the wrong thing.

There are always well meaning people who want to try to cheer you up or keep you positive when you first get that cancer diagnosis, or when you are getting to a point where they think you are almost done with treatment, or..... well there are always people with something to say and they are usually trying to help.

I recently lost a friend to a hit and run accident. Two years ago to the day, another friend/neighbor had a massive heart attack. She survived but she's having a lot of survivor guilt right now for whatever reason. We were talking about her "purpose" for surviving and I said that maybe it was her purpose to be in that moment right now being a supportive friend and offering a shoulder to cry on. Oddly, it came to me that exactly two years before that, I had my mastectomy. I was trying to talk to the middle friend about how I can imagine she feels because I experienced something similar. I was telling her that we don't know the purpose of certain things and maybe there is no grand "purpose" but just a chance of fate that allowed us to survive to support our friend's wife. I was told I was mean and insensitive. I mean, who knows why some people survive and some don't?

I suppose the words may have just been spoken out of grief, but I was told that "Out of the three, you are the one who should have died because you're the one who has nothing to offer."

That's a bitter pill to swallow, that my friends feel that way about me. Maybe it's grief. Maybe it's just saying something to fill space. Right now, it just feels to me like maybe the wrong one really did die.

Comments

  • LowcountryJen1969
    LowcountryJen1969 Member Posts: 11

    So I have let this post rest for awhile thinking my "friend" would realize how her comment was hurtful and maybe apologize or at least acknowledge what she said. Oh, she acknowledged it. She said she felt absolutely the same, that my death would have been the one that hurt people the least. That I was the one who really had no reason to live. I can't help think how right she is.

  • NGonzalez (STAFF)
    NGonzalez (STAFF) Member, Administrator Posts: 32

    So sorry to hear you are dealing with this. It's hard, but sometimes you just have to let those negative relationships go. Hugs

  • legaljen1969
    legaljen1969 Member Posts: 763

    @NGonzalez (STAFF) Thank you for your response. You are so right about letting go of negative relationships. I have really been thinking about how a person gets to the stage in life where they have children, and even grandchildren, and still operate in "Mean Girl" mode. It's just mind blowing to me how a person can remain in that space so long in life.
    This space (WhatNext) is a safe space for me. It is a welcoming space, even though the topic and subject matter can be really heavy. Even though people are really struggling. I will be doing a new post soon about my visit to the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction after 4 years post-mastectomy. The office, the building, the staff- what a beautiful testimony to hope and hard work.

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