how to deal with stress, anger and guilt as a caregiver

laredosam1

I feel angry about being a caregiver and that causes stress and quilt in me. i feel guilty as my mother has always been my rock, my safe port, and has always been there for me. I am so worried that somehow i will miss up the picc line with flushing, or cause an infection in her pleural catheter site, with the drains i do, as it is a sterile procedure.

GregP_WN

As a caregiver we get thrown into the mix all at once. We cared for Mom as she was fighting inoperable lung cancer, and also my Dad as he tried to fight off metastatic prostate cancer. As a caregiver for a terminal patient, we go from being a son or daughter to being half nurse, half doctor. That's if they are on hospice. At home on hospice, our nurses told us what to do, how to do it and said to call if we needed help. You will find that you are much more capable of doing these things than you thought you were.

You will do fine and my suggestion is to get the nurses to give you a little more explanation of how to do what you need to do. They are happy to help.

I've been a cancer patient through 5 diagnosed, and am currently in my 5th. I've also been caregiver for mom and dad, and for my Sweetie when she had a TIA stroke and needed a little help. In a lot of ways, it's harder being the caregiver than it is the patient.

We have a few very good articles about the experiences of a few caregivers on the site on our blog page. Just get on the blog page and search for caregivers and you will see some great articles.

We wish you and your Mom. Please give regular updates, others here that have caregiver experience will be happy to help.

po18guy

Love. The most powerful force on earth. You love your mom. That is why you are doing all of this. Love desires the good of the one loved. Love should not count the cost, even though love can carry a high cost. In some way, now and forever, that love is being returned to you, and will be returned to you. My only advice is to approach it from a position of great love. Your mother lost her loved ones too, went through these same stresses and emotions. It sounds like she turned out just fine. And, so will you. When you are able, consciously let go of as much as you can and allow love to rule. If you focus on doing the tiniest things with great love, great return will be yours.

JustGrateful

You will almost for surely do a great job. Anything that you are not sure about just ask someone for clarification and then do what you need to. I had to take care of my Mom as she was in hospice with lung cancer. It was tough to do, but in the end, I considered it a high honor to be able to take care of her needs in the final days just like she had taken care of mine before.

legaljen1969

There are definitely many good caregiver articles on this site. Search them out. People here are very friendly.

There is one big difference between you parent raising you and you becoming a caregiver for your parent. Your parents presumably had months to prepare for taking care of you and they sort of learned a little bit along the way. Assuming your parents weren't the people who found out you were coming along just when the labor pains started and you popped out as a surprise (I have a reason I am saying that), you were expected and anticipated. They got to figure out by trial and error what worked best and what didn't work so well and you survived and made it adulthood where you get to flourish or wilt based on your own decisions and choices for the most part.

In becoming a caregiver for an illness, it's like the "surprise baby" who no-one knows about until it pops out. It's just there. What do we do about it? Where do we get everything we need? How are we supposed to adapt to this sudden change in our life? That diagnosis comes. Sure, we all know in the back of our mind that something like this can happen to us, but we are never really prepared. In the end, sometimes being the caregiver means doing our best to make the best of the worst situation. Sometimes being a caregiver means we know there is no happy ending or no celebration.

Learn as much as you can about the actual medical part of the caregiving so you can do what you need to do when nurses and doctors are not around. Does your mother have any home health services? I found that my home health nurses were very helpful and willing to explain things. They would show me easier and better ways to do things. When possible, let people be there for you.

As Greg said, you will find you are capable of much more than you think right now.

The interpersonal stuff and the "guilt" stuff may trip you up more. Those were the things that got me with my grandmother. I hated seeing that nothing I did seemed to alleviate her pain or her confusion or her sadness. Sometimes we had great days and other days it was pretty bad. I just had to concentrate on the fact that I was doing the best I could. Your presence is more comforting than you know. I will say that your mother probably knows you feel guilt and anger. If you do, then take a little step outside. Don't hesitate to call help if you need it. This is your journey too.

There is always someone at What Next willing to "listen"/read and offer feedback.

Much love to you and I wish you the best of luck navigating this difficult journey. As JustGrateful said, you may find it is one of the most rewarding and highest honors you will ever experience helping your loved one make the best of what right now seems like the worst. I was with my best friend as her mother had her last days at home and passed away. It is an experience I will never forget and feel blessed to have been a part.

Jayne

I definitely had the same concerns over my qualifications to care for my husband during his cancer. I had the challenge of wounds that would not heal so I was expected to change out the gauze, clean the wound and then repack it with new gauze using a long q-tip. At times, I felt like I would be sick to my stomach and I was terrified that I was causing more harm than good. The nurse told me I had to be "very firm" packing that back up, getting into each of the corners, but how firm is very firm? Sicking a q-tip in someone's abdomen is not exactly something they teach in business school! I was very uneasy with the level of medical care I was expected to perform, with absolutely no credentials to do so! I hope things settle down for you, sometime the routine-ness of it all over comes the concerns - all we can do is try our best.