Jbird

I believe you said in a post a few days ago that your brother's birthday is June 27. I will be thinking of you and praying for your peace of mind tomorrow

How are you doing?

Hey Jbird, I read your excellent piece on losing your brother, so well written. You expressed so well what so many of us experience with the loss of a loved one, which is all too common in this cancer community.

Life goes on. That's the part that hurts. The world is still doing its thing and you are screaming in pain and the world does not seem to slow to notice.

You will go on but you go forward broken. A part of you is missing. You will feel it every day. I want you to know that is normal.

Take all the time you need to weep, to scream, to ask why, to rage at the world, that is good too.

It doesn't make sense the loss of a life unfinished, that's why it hurts so much.

Take what time you need - and then live. Your brother would want you to live, so live for him. Do the things he wanted to do but didn't get a chance to. Do those things and take him with you so that in a way he gets to enjoy that thing too. It is your only revenge on death. Do the things he wanted to do to honor him and to let the world know he is not forgotten.

Hi Jbird. I'm so sorry you are still so heart-sick. A loss like this will be with you always. As time passes, it does get easier to live life w/out feeling guilty. I'm the cancer survivor. I finished treatment in January 2013. My mom got sick and ended up in intensive care in Aug/Sept 2013. She lived in Dayton, OH; I'm in Columbus. She needed to be in skilled nursing so I brought her up here. She had a stroke in Dec 2013 and did not bounce back from it. She ended up in a nursing home, also here in Columbus. She ended up in hospice care in the nursing home in May 2014 and passed away 7/2/14. I still feel guilty that I didn't spend more time with her. That I didn't drive out to visit her at home more. That I didn't go visit her in the nursing home more often. I still miss my mom a lot. Three years later, and sometimes I still find myself in tears. But it happens a lot less than it used to. And there will always be triggers. And year by year the triggers might be different. The first year, Mothers Day was a nightmare -- this year I was fine, but her birthday threw me. I don't want to trivialize it, but sometimes it's like a stone in my shoe -- usually it's some place it doesn't bother me or I've gotten used to it, but it will slide around sometimes and hurt like anything. I find grief to be like that.

The hospice my mom used has a bereavement program. One of the classes they had was a 6 week meditation workshop. Once that workshop is over, they also have a meditation group that meets once a month. Three years later, I'm still involved in that group -- in fact, our next meeting is this coming Monday. Meditation helped me cope with my loss. They have lots of other programs, too. From one on one counseling to art therapy. With classes/workshops for parents losing children to adults losing parents to a comprehensive children's program. Art to drum circles. You may wish to look for a bereavement program in your area. You'd be with other people who understand what you are going through because they are going through a similar loss. I found it helpful. Maybe sometime like this would help you, too.

I'm so sorry you lost your brother, and from the sounds of it your best friend, to this monster of a disease. But don't let it defeat you. I doubt he would have wanted you to be defeated. As Carm said, have faith.

You have to decide how deeply you want to carry your grief. It can destroy you. You have to focus on the love he had for you and continue his life force. Grief eventually turns into the power of love. If you dwell on grief you will drive people away. Try to rebuild his spirit in your life and the life of others. Yes, you're suffering, so are many on this site--and part of the personal triumph in the face of death is alleviating and strengthen others, not just yourself in pain. If you don't, people will see you as a victim and avoid you.

Jbird, I read your post and I thought maybe I could help. I am an oncology nurse and an End of Life nurse so I have been with well over 500 at their last moment. Cancer can be a very cruel mistress and that battlefield can indeed be very vast and endless. We watched our loved ones step onto it knowing that only great warriors can dig their heels into that dirt. It takes a special kind of person to be that type of warrior. When they have fought their best, they lay down their shields and walk off with their head held high. It may be hard to realize but life is about choices... even up to that last breath, we all make choices. Great warriors sometimes decide to move on to live another day beyond the thinnest of veils that separate this existence from the next...but your brother lives on, and the only thing that separates you now is geography. He is mighty, mighty and runs free of pain in a life he chose knowing that within his heart lies a piece of you and your family just as a piece of him lies in yours. You can think that you miss him...but trust me, he never left. He waits for you to realize this and resume the many conversations you had when he was flesh and bone...we are all so much more than biology. Life IS everlasting, many of those I stood bedside to at their last breath taught me that their road didn't end there, and now fill my many hours with their company because I have opened my mind and heart and believed that our connection transcends any place...any side of the veil. I know this is new for you and you are hurting. I am sorry for your pain. But your brother is waiting for you to restart your relationship. Know in your heart that he would never leave you and just start talking to him. There is a language without words. Learn this and you will find endless hours of familiarity. If you need me, Greg knows how to get in touch with me. My best to you, Carm.

Jbird, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you on the loss of your brother. You will find others on this site who are here for your support. Our prayers are with you.

Hi JBird. Welcome to What Next. There are lots of great people here -- patients/survivors, caregivers & family. If you have any questions, please use the question tab above -- that way everyone will have access & you'll get a quicker response. I'm very sorry for your loss, but it's wonderful that you want to pay it forward w/all the things you learned while caring for your brother. Wishing you and your family peace.

My heart hurts along with yours. My hubby was diagnosed squamouscell carcinoma 5/14, oral cavity, progressed along nerve to brain stem. Jaw has been replaced and thankfully currently receiving Immunotherapy. We are trying to accept and adjust to the realization that the feeding tube will be a permanent fixture as his swallow mechanism was drasticallly impacted by the extreme radiation - three diffferent bouts over three years. So very sorry for your loss. Remember to breathe........

Good luck and prayers are with you

Welcome to the WhatNext family! The WhatNext family is made up of people like you who are looking for help or looking to help others. To help you along your journey the WhatNext family has put together a Beginner's Guide to Cancer that I highly recommend you check-out here: http://bit.ly/10BQKCi. Also, please do not hesitate to reach out to others or ask for help.

Wishing you the best.

David
Founder, WhatNexter